Sometimes, or rather many times, I let my life slip by. Certain things that I don't do will or might become my regrets. I want to be a better sibling, but I dont think Im making the effort. I want to treat my parents better, but I dont think I am doing much to show appreciation. I want to do more as a granddaughter, a daughter, a sis, a cousin, a niece, and a gdfriend. But I dont know if I'm putting my fullest effort. Im not living life to the fullest. There is where we starts regretting the time thats lost.
All I do, is look back at the past, sometimes still looking at the photos I had with him on my instagram. Wonder if its a good thing that he's gone. Do I want to see him in my future? I dont even know what's in my future. Who will be in it? So much mysteries of life huh?
Anyway, I dont know what I'm doing recently too. Not working, not learning, just slacking my days away.
I shall stop blogging about my boring thoughts? Hahaahahaha
How is everyone? Well, I'm sorry for my vocabulary errors all the time! I guess I really need to brush up on my language! Reading chinese is getting difficult over time too! So I've been going on well I guess? Somedays, the thought of him gets back in my head and takes over my emotions. I'm learning not to get too affected(:
Anyway, I havent blogged about this, but I'm really thankful for everyone who are still here for me till now(: Theres so much changes since I'm back. One great change is that Jinson is gone from my life. It had greatly affected me in many ways that I couldnt describe. Although all these times that I'm back, I've been spending time to pick myself up, I didnt forget that I have all of you here for me(: Well, while things had changed, I'm so glad that through the times, all of you are still here for me(: It's like although we dont meet or talk all the time, I know that all of you are still here. Im just grateful I guess(:
So I'm working hard to live again. Well, I'm back to srgn these few days. Been trying to apply for university without any achievements at all. This time round, I cant choose the best for myself. Just go with the flow ya? I've no motivations to do anything too.
Today I dreamt. I didnt dream about Jinson. I dreamt about other people and other things recently. Sometimes I wonder why do I dream about some random people?
Anyway, gonna be busy with meeting up with a few friends :p And stupid period is here and I cant swim!!!!! Well, just not fated to go swimming la!!!!!
Update with interesting things soon(hopefully)... And hope you lovely people will blog soon(;
I've came to realise why all these still hurts right now. It's because he had became my pillar of support over time. As time went by, I let this person slip into my heart, as someone important in my life. Day by day, i slowly lean into this pillar and allowed him to give me support in many ways or in any ways. I know he is gone, and it's really time to let go.
What really hurt still is the thought of this pillar of support gone. I guess it couldnt be helped. How people don't cherish in life. But I guess it's for the best of myself. Yes I could smile again. Someday I would smile without feeling this hurt. And I'll be really happy just because I know I could still love.
This is the last photo of us. Never did I know that this would be the last time of us taking a photo together. Those convos between us that I looked back at, seems so distant already.
And this, is kinda the last thing I did, to show you how much I still love you, before you go ahead and broke everythingg we had together.
Relationship is just like a house. Where initially, it was just a piece of empty land. As days pass by, we start building the base of it, starts developing it into what our dream could be. Starts furnishing it, and then slowly move into this house, and starts to seek comfort in. Often we'll take this house we had for granted. Forgotten the hardship we went through to build it. Forgotten that hardwork done to furnish it. Somedays, we'll look at the other house and be envy of those. Then we'll start looking over the empty lands and wonder the possibility of building a even better home than what we have now. When the earth quake came and things get tough, we all gets shaken by this shock. But the worst could happen is when people abandon it and walk away. Now that the house is broken, its worthless, it couldnt be built back up. Well, maybe with the effort and spirit, one could build that house again. But then again building a relationship is different from building a house. Relationship always takes two to clap.
Its time I let this go. Let this pillar of support stand alone. Or rather allow myself to lean away and stand alone. Ya indeed I wont stand alone because I have everyone around me that cares genuinely for me. I know that when life gets tough for me, I will face it in a new way now. Its really time I forget him. Forget the fact that he had ever existed for me or pledged his love for me.
Just because he had let go of me. Just because I told him to make a decision. Because I promised to free him, I will do it with an open heart. For I had actually set myself free too. Its all fated I guess.
Its time I stop thinking or blogging or writing about this feelings. Time to start talking about my now and then and future. Yes I will stop these.
Some days I feel alright.
Some days, this feeling for him is just back again.
I'm gonna move house soon. It seems sad. That everything is gonna change again.
But this change could be doing myself a favor. It's as if I wont get the chance to go back home and look at my room and see the memories of us there. Those times where we studied a bit there, or play some childish games there.
My room, the place where I open up those presents that he handmade for me. The place where I had many late night calls with him. The place where I skype him so very often. The place where I sat and did all the handmade stuff for him. The place where I look at the stuff he gave me over and over again to see how sweet he was.
Changes always makes me feel just a little bit sad. It's like letting go of memories that you know you can never revisit again. Moving house is like putting the memories right where it is. That house, is a place were I could never visit to reminisce those memories right at that spot.
And now I'm thinking of you again. Yes, I hate the fact that you're really gone. I know I deserve better, and I should not keep revisiting those beautiful times or memories. I should really stop revisiting those memories with you.
Truth is that I don't know when I'll ever be able to not feel this feelings. The thought of writing or blogging scares me just a little bit because I don't know what I'll let out. The thought of drawing scares me too because I don't know what I'll unleash in those drawings.
I'm afraid. Afraid that when I unpack those boxes at the new house, that I'll see the little things that'll remind me of you. I have no idea if there's anymore things with me. But just one little note will make me feel that sorrows again. Im just afraid. I want to be happy so deeply in my heart. But I don't know if I could really feel happiness. It's sad.
There....... I dreamt about him again. Just this dreAm. One dream. One dream to bring it all back. How do I forget him? Why does my dream bring those memories of him back. Brings picture of him in my head? Just why?
Guess I must learn not to be affected by my dreams dont I?
I read Miko's blog, about her poly years. And I felt inspired to blog about my whole poly years. But I'm just too lazy to gather those photos and stuff right now. Priority. Apply for uni ! hahahahaha!
Recently, I've been chatting with people about everything. And then there's always this life and death thingy. Just too much had happened to the people around me recently. It made me wonder about life once again. I just don't know when will be the next regret of mine. And I have no idea how to make it not a regret. It hurts when people are really just gone.
No matter how many years is gonna pass, it'll still be sad just thinking about them.
It's been awhile since I last blog about anything at all.
School's finally out, and Im unofficially a graduate. Just waiting for graduation day itself. Right now, I'm thinking about what university course should I apply for. This is such a big dilemma. Is getting this degree really that important? Well, we'll see how.
Today is the 18th. It's 1 month till his birthday. I'll never forget that. I've stop emailing him or writing those letters to him. Stopped for almost 5 days? Making progression to move on I guess. I hope 1 month later I won't be wishing him happy birthday. Because I know I should really just stop caring already. He's gone, faded into the distance, and slowly vanishing away as a person in my life.
I don't know if he matters to me anymore. Well, he let me go, im free now. It's a good thing isn't it? I do miss those times that I spent together with him, and I even miss him being here, miss how we could talk over the phone for hours and hours about nothing. I just miss this guy so much. But he is different now, he shouldn't come back to my life anymore.
Life, I'm just so skeptical about it right now. I'm stuck. Stuck stuck stuck. Just stuck.
I have no idea what to do with myself. What I wanna do. What really matters?
I'm not even inspired to write anything. Im really stuck with dunno what.
As I continue aging day by day, I realized I might have forgotten to stop and reflect on the things happening all around me.
I have a friend facing the fear of losing her sister.
I have a friend facing the lost of her uncle without saying the last goodbye.
I have a friend in hospital waiting for recovery of health, and I've yet visited her.
I have a friend waiting for justice to be returned to her.
I have a friend that fell out of love.
There the list goes on and on sometimes. I often look at those things and tell myself that I should be grateful for who I could become today.
And then I am working hard on finding myself. And stop thinking about the love that isn't mine right now.
Gotta walk on and smile.
I wish my friends all the best in everything that all of you are facing. Life is just full of question marks. Unpredictable as it could be.
Sometimes, this vicious cycle of thoughts just keep repeating itself. I've accepted it that he no longer love. But sometimes I still can't believe that I'm not gonna continue this journey with him anymore. He is heartless as such, and I shall not be bothered. Doing this will be good for yourself Z. You know you can, you will, you MUST not be bothered any longer. You've done your best. You really did.
And yet I couldn't help and I dropped a text. I know I wouldn't be getting any reply. So what is it that I'm actually waiting for? HAHA. Sometimes I know I've just made a big joke about myself. Stop doing this to yourself. You should know better ZiHui
No matter how much I wish I could hate him, or feel sad about it all, I realized that I no longer feel so emotional about it all.
Those days in Langkawi when I look through the old photos, I can't help but cry hard for the lost of this man that I love. He became this cold stranger that doesn't have the heart for me anymore.
Right now, as I look through those photos, I realized that I could smile at the great memories created. Smile because those times with him was indeed wonderful and beautiful. Although life includes certain unhappiness from time to time, I am really grateful for which both of us had happened to be something so beautiful once. The memories will live long forever in my heart.
Being friends with him is indeed a good idea. I realized that I could share with him things that I never am able to tell him in the relationship. I wish he would care, but it's alright because wishing kind of will lead to disappointment. Let's just go with the flow.
Be Happy Go Lucky.
Never know what happens the very next moment. So I'm gonna smile and strive on.
Oh right. 5 more days till submission of this Capstone paper. HAHAHA. Look at what I'm doing right now?!?!?!?!
As I type away my feelings in that email to be sent out to him, I realized that I had actually in fact loved him more than I've ever know.
We often wonder when we will meet this person called the 'right one'. We just sometimes tell ourselves that we could try to love, or wait for this love to come. Sometimes we don't know if we should fight for the love we think belongs to us. Life is always full of dilemma. Or rather, I'm always filled with all this dilemma I guess? It's just a little too funny sometimes isn't it? How my thought actually contradict so much.
I guess I am really skeptical about everything aren't I?
My love for Jinson? I would say I wouldn't regret it. And if I was given the chance to go back in time and make the decision again, I would had done the exact same thing although knowing that I will be hurt in this bad way.
We often wish that we could go back into our past and change certain things to make it all go right. But if we could ever go back, would we really do things differently and anticipate for a different outcome?
Changes are things that really mold us into whoever we are. It hurts for every little changes we make for our own life. Whether the changes are for the better or for the worse, we will always feel unease in this small little ways isn't it?
Of cos maybe we should see all changes as something for the better. Just like how a friend of mine who believes so much in god. She will always tell me that just believe that god is gonna give us something better.
Although I'm not a christian, I respect her believes, and I guess we should really continue walking in our life believing in the positive outcome in the end. Sometimes, the journey gets really tough when we allow ourselves to drop into this dark shadows. Hopes vanishes, positive vibes all gone, and we wonder why are we working so hard in life, trying to make people around us happy? Why are we doing those things and we aren't really happy ourselves? And why is it that we must be happy? Just why? So much 'whys' about life and how we want to feel.
I guess we humans are just filled with all these interesting emotions isn't it?
And I've got totally no idea what I've been writing here at all. I guess maybe I'm just a tiny little bit mental aren't I?
As time slowly unwind itself, we realized that many people around us starts to fade away. They fade into the distance that we couldn't really see them at all. Through the years of growing up, I see how my Grandmother send off the friends she had for more than 50years. Some of them which I've seen a few times when I was younger. Sometimes, I sit and wonder how it feels to bid farewell to friends of more than 50years. It must have been a really cruel feelings. It's as if when I'm old, I will be sitting down and wonder when will it be my turn. What will take my life away as I age? Is it illness? Is it natural death? What could it be?
Life as it goes is just so truly unpredictable. It's true that we never know when we will bid farewell to the people we have in our life. When people are truly gone, what will the world feel like then?
So... as the saying goes, we have to cherish the people around us. Every single day, what does it take to cherish those people we have to make sure that we don't regret when people are gone?
Life just consume us in all ways sometimes. And in Singapore, we get so consumed in chasing after our goals and achievement, that I wonder will it be all worth it in the end? What is it that we should really seek after in life? Just what is the thing that we should really really do? What makes us live a life without much regrets?
I have no idea if I'm almost walking through this sorrowful journey of my relationship. Well, I know all of you are struggling in the journey that each of you are walking through right now. Sometimes we ask ourselves 'What's really so worth to fight for?' Sometimes, we just stumble blindly into our future. Stumble blindly every single day.
We often ask ourselves what's worth to do in this whole life. We wonder what's our purpose to be born on this earth. Why are we here, what are we doing? But sometimes, we just live through this life blindly, not knowing whats what and just embracing whatever that comes our way.
Well, I shall stop blogging. Time to concentrate on researching! 8 more days till submission!
Being a soon-to-be graduate, school seems like something i'll soon kiss goodbye to. Well, it's finally the time to graduate from this 3years of being a nobody. Or 3years of learning what is valuable in my industry. Next, I have no idea where would I wanna go.
Going to school doesnt hurt that much anymore. I just feel new and different. I guess its because i know im leaving TP kind of soon. And that I wont even see Jinson anywhere in school at all because he is having his Internship right now. If i could face him, talk to him and not feel the hurt and the urge to tear, I guess I could finally face him in a new way like a new friend.
I wish he wasnt just some passerby in my life. Please show me you are worth my time and effort all these while Jinson. Please show me that you ain't just like those typical guy or jerk can you? I hope I didn't judge you wrongly all these while Jinson. Be the good man that I know..
Too much thinking all the time. What happened to living in just that Moment where we couldn't put into words?
Looking back at all my old post, of my love that I could give, just puts me back into the river of sorrows. It's as if I wish I could go back in time. To experience the love that I've love, and the love that he'd love.
I came to a point in my life again, looking at my achievement. And I realized that I have nothing right now. That I can't choose the best path for myself because I hadn't work hard to be able to choose.
I have absolutely no idea what life would bring me. Whether I will be able to admit to a University or not?
If I ever get into a University, it will be my very opportunity to prove to myself that I could do all this.
Let's see what fate brings me in this year of Horse. Hopefully that opportunity to study hard once more.
It's a song that I listened and I thought it's a nice song.
The song you said that was once your favorite song in the past.
It's now a song that speaks how my heart feels.
Songs are just so powerful in expressing our heart sometimes.
I know I have to get over this beautiful past that I couldn't bring it to my future anymore.
Although there are things in the relationship that ain't perfect, I will still do anything to continue this journey.
But a relationship always takes 2 to clap. It ended I guess wasn't his fault. We're both at fault that it came to such an ending. I wish I could stop thinking about the things he ever said, or the love he ever gave me. But he is just something so perfect for me. The love that is just too perfect in my eyes that makes it all too difficult to let it all go. It's like waking up from a dream and realizing it all to be just a dream. Wishing that the dream is real, but it just stays in the dream.
Time will really heal me? I just want to embrace the past, present and future. Embracing is much better than throwing things away, throwing memories away, I want to embrace this person.
Be grateful that he had ever came into my life. That he had ever love me. For all the things he ever did for me, I wanna embrace them all. And embrace the fact that I could only take him as a friend now. That maybe he wont even want to be my friend at all. Just I know I have to stop all this and just live for myself and those who love me.
Enjoy the song!
Do you know? Do you know? Do you know?
Do you know what it feels like loving someone Thats in a rush to throw you away? (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one To know the lock on the door has changed (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
If birds flying south's a sign of changes At least you can predict this every year Love, you never know the minute it ends Suddenly I cant get it to speak
Maybe find you all the things it took to save us I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me Look in your eyes 'til I see there's something about me Im standing on the edge and I dont know what else to give
Do you know what it feels like loving someone Thats in a rush to throw you away? (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one To know the lock on the door has changed (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
How can I love you? How can I love you? How can I love you? How can I love you? If you just dont talk to me, babe
I flow through my act, there's a question, "Is she needed?" Another side of a man I cannot be Looking at the last three years like I did I could never see us ending like this
(Do you know?) Seeing your face no more on my pillow Is a scene thats never happened to me (Do you know?)
But after this episode I dont see You can never tell how the next day of life could be
Do you know what it feels like loving someone Thats in a rush to throw you away? (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one To know the lock on the door has changed (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
Do you know what it feels like loving someone Thats in a rush to throw you away? (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one To know the lock on the door has changed (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know?
Do you know what it feels like loving someone Thats in a rush to throw you away? (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one To know the lock on the door has changed (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
Do you know what it feels like loving someone (You dont know know it feels) Thats in a rush to throw you away? (You dont know know it feels) Do you know what it feels like to be the last one (You dont know know it feels) To know the lock on the door has changed (You dont know know it feels) (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?) (Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
I read back my old post, and i realise that im very into love. I guess i really love Jinson. Always would wish that it hadnt all ended. But i've got to pick myself up in hundreds and thousands way. I've got to live for myself.....
Its gonna be a difficult journey, to embrace my past memories with him, and embrace a future without him in it. I often wonder how will I be able to do that. But i know i can do it, and i will be happy again. Be the positive me that spreads the positive vibes and smiles to everyone to cheer them up. Sometimes i wonder so what really makes me happy? The love that makes me happy is gone. I know i have all my family, relatives, and friends who love me still. But my true love? Is he really gone? Is he really not my right one?
Anyway, im slowly recovering I guess, slowly... But not yet there...
