Unbelievable. Choices. Consequences

哭笑不得 

This is that RIGHT word to describe how school is like with MDIS. Its really this ridiculous. Today, The Head of Tourism lady asked to meet me. & there I imagine somebody with good grooming & that way a 'hospitality & tourism' person would look like. Temasek Poly had really educated me well, equipped me with whatever I need to come out into the society. TP lecturers has got what it takes! 

Well, so guess what? Today, when I met the 'HEAD of tourism', I was taken aback at the way she brings herself. Is that the right way of describing? 'Bring herself' ? 

Anyway you got my point? It's this unbelievable feel that I felt in my heart. Take good care. Pray for my grading to be better than I've expected. Im dumbfounded. Really 哭笑不得.

Love

Z

Clearer, better, easier

As the days past by, as I start to talk openly about the wound, about the person that let me down, that person thats gone now, I realized how it really does fades into that distant memory.

Remember this lyrics? It was the first song that I put out for that love I had in the past. It was the song that I heard when I first fell in love and decided that it describes how I felt. It was my favourite song to describe how sweet love felt. Never did I imagine all these to be anything but just a sweet memory now. Time went by, and new life started. 

It all felt new. Sometimes I still get that bugging feeling of certain things and scenarios that seem to be like the past. It made me fear as that feeling seem to creep into me. I guess by now, it's something normal in me. I just have to talk about it & put it out to clear up my mind. For I know that now, Im in a relationship with this wonderful man. Maybe I wont think right when Im screwed in my thoughts, maybe I even felt like giving up on all these without any reasons. It's times that I felt like that, weird in a sense, then suddenly feeling alright and happy. 

With each passing day, I realized that it got harder to remember what happened in the past with Jinson. It's as if that doesnt really matter anymore. While I still do think that he is a jerk, I seem to have let go of those beautiful memories that I've had with him. 

The relationship I had with Samuel seems to be one thats been for a long period, yet it's just been short few month. Initially, everything seems to be overwhelming, with interacting about dreams and future. Now, I seem to look forward to it & wanna dream of it and make it happen together with him. Again, I might not truly know what love is right now. I couldnt describe. I guess love is something that we couldnt really depend on what it was yesterday. Love is something that we gotta work on every single day. Having a person doesnt mean that we can take them for granted, and I want to learn how I could make it all in the now. That photo I once posted on wechat timeline kept ringingg in my head. About how love is like a plant.

Love,

Z

大年初四

Happy Lunar New Year everyone!

Can't remember myself not having a CNY not doing research! Anyway, it's already back to work on day 3 of CNY. Interestingly, was having conversation with Hanis (one of my colleague) about her story and about relationship. It's been so long since I heard any stories. And well, do I love hearing stories of people's life. It's equivalent to reading a short story. So anyway her story was like a starbucks story. And there, I heard about her previous relationship too. I used to think that a relationship of 2 years that ends with nothing is really bad for the heart. And so whenever I hear things like 3 years or even another story of a 9 years relationship, I'm just glad that my previous one didn't took too long to come to an end.

Sometimes, I still fear about these kind of things. Then again, I think instead of fearing, it's better to keep in mind about the 'What's meant to be will always be' quote? That's what I kept as one of my profile picture on facebook to remind myself of letting go of the things that isn't meant to be. That photo was also one taken by well.... I shall not dig into it.

Anyway, I'm trying to kick start my research today, trying to complete my introduction part of the 'Staycation' essay. Somehow, just couldn't start up on typing so I figured that I might as well try to jote down bits of my memories of how I lived 22/02/2015. I basically woke up today and catch up with the latest episode of TVD while having my breakfast - mee sua. After the short 45minutes of TVD, the computer once again had to do some restarting. And before I know it, it's time for lunch! Since there's nothing to watch on the TV while having lunch, I ponder upon Pitch Perfect (a movie that I've been wanting to watch since last year? or the year before?) on Youtube, and I spent almost 2 hours watching it! A perfect musical on CNY day 4 huh? Well do I love musical and things related to performance. It's just something that makes me heart beat enthusiastically. Just inside my heart.

Well, after that I went to take a 1 hour nap as it's really tiring for the eyes to stare at the computer screen for almost half the day already! After the nap, it's almost dinner time! While I try researching for some literature journals for future use, it's more tedious than I thought it would be to find a full PDF text to save. As it goes, I have to remind myself of how 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'. And I have to push myself on for not giving up in working my brain. I have never felt so lonely ever in this education battle. I guess this is how the university life works? How as we all step slowly into our own future, we have to learn to be independent in our own profession and our own life.

Instead of continuing to complain about how bad the majority of lecturers in MDIS teaching tourism is really not that great at all, I just wants to hold on to the hope that all these will be completed in a successful note with my own capability. At least for this semester, Im thankful for one lecturer who is more sounding than the others that I've met in this school. Thankful that after all I could finally breathe a little and learn well at least in 1 class.

That's all for today.

Love,
Z

another day another fight, it always feels like an uphill climb.
another step another mile, story of your life.
it's harder than you'll ever thought, and it cost you everything you've got
when you're back against the wall and you feel like giving up.
this is only a mountain, you dont have to find your way around it,
tell it to move, it'll move
tell it to fall, it'll fall.

yupp, it'll move. The mountain will move.

Unsettling.

It's this feeling of having someone, yet not having. Its an unsettling feeling. It's also something that I can't explain on. It's like at times feeling neglected, yet telling myself so hard that it's just silly feelings. Feeling not at all that understanding, yet telling myself so hard that I'm being ridiculous and I should totally understand since I've been out there before. Working and barely having time for anyone, not even for myself. Day in day out, its this cycle that seem so vicious yet helping me to find a meaning to my own life. I should more than anyone understand how difficult it is to have a work-life balance. Somehow, reasoning by myself seems to clear my own thoughts when my contradicting feelings and thoughts come to an agreement on how I should feel. Yet sometimes it still bugs me. Reminding myself of those days and times how it felt like to have someone here for you, yet it seems like its nobody there. Sometimes I wonder if this is how it felt like to have a real relationship in this world. This world where everyone is just so busy and gets consumed with what is thrown at you in life. Is it how the working life is like? Not really having anytime at all. Think back to those times when I was working full time. Those months with Uniqlo, those months with FourSeasons, those months working like a fulltimer but am a part timer at SGCC. Yupp, I could just agree on how work and life had consumed me. Day in Day out. Yupp, now I do understand how it feels, and I must be more understanding than anyone else towards the person I love. Maybe it's just difficult because it reminds me so much of those days when I had a relationship but it felt like I'm single. Phew, at least I'm thinking more clearly now.

I saw this on the web today. I think that Doe Zantamata is really inspiring. Someday I'll purchase the book written by her. For this pic, it's a reminder of how we should see things as of today. How we should live in the NOW. Walk by that quote of ' Yesterday is a History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Gift ' . Now as much as I can over think too much on a singular thing that I can feel unsettling about or unhappy about. Be it about my life or everything else, I think it's important to remind myself to be positive and be brave to stride on in life with confidence and happiness. 

Lesser negativity and more positivity. 

Love,

Z

All that Goodness in one Box

All that goodnesss in one box

Its the ferrero rocher!! Chocolate makes me happy. This is my first time receiving such a big box of rocher! Teeeheeeee! Thanks to S((((; Yummyummz. One chocolate a day keeps the doctor away^^ 

Happy Valentines day all my lovely friends!!! May all of you have something sweet to eat today^^ 

Love, 

Z

Hellooooo

There you go! I have no idea why I wanna attach this photo. I just felt like there's a need to attach a photo to my post to kick start that inspiration to blog. Well, Im never sick of this view eh? Countless of times I went TP pool by myself & I'll always snap a photo of it. This pool still hold so much memories of things that happened in the past. 

Alright! Anyway, Its been really great reading up LL's blog! It's like few months worth of feelings and thoughts all in that one post. And I cant help but agree with how LL talks about social network & the relationship between people. Well, I guess we're all in this new generation where so much had changed. Even the way people interacts with each other. Truth be told, I'm trying to be more conscious about the way I communicate with people face-to-face. I know that technology had an effect on me too. Sometimes I couldn't express myself well verbally & clearly. It might be due to my weakness in language, but it is also due to everything being much easier for me when typing out. Most of the times, Im just not ready to communicate verbally because I'll be touched by so much emotions & feelings all hidden inside me. 

That day, I sat by myself, started blogging, & uncontrollably having tears flowing out of my eyes. & I know that most of the times, I face things by myself too. Loving someone else made me learnt how to open up with my feelings just so that Im not selfish and not putting a shield around me. 

Anw, I wanted to say so much to LL about my thoughts of how she felt with things. But I have to agree that THAT post is freaking long, and I'll have to keep refering back if I wanna talk about them. Hehe. I just wanna say how I can understand certain feelings that she's feeling. Although we all experience all that different life, I kind of get the things that she's saying. Although in different shoes. . . My sentences arent making any sense right now...... Anyway, Im really really glad to see how she can see things in a positive light. I get that feeling, of the sudden pure happiness and joy and freedom felt in the heart. Its like seeming to glow so brightly telling you that life is gonna be so great. Giving you that motivation to keep going in face of obstacles placed in front of you. Its that rare gleam of hope. Of future. 

Anyway, it's only the first week of the new school term, and Im feeling so drained in my head. In my headdddd in my headddddd zombieee zombieee. Who remembers this song? So back to being drained. I guess its all in the head once again.! I can do this! I just have to stop thinking of why what and every other nonsense! Keep going !!! 

Love,

Z

I know my sentences arent making sense....... Oh goodness

Dreading

As a kid, I remember how much I love the CNY festive. My fondest memory was those CNY spent back at bukit merah. Grew up there since young, those cny eve's where we'll help with spring cleaning, and then getting excited for bringing out the new year goodies and placing them in those traditional containers. Many things changed over the years, and so was the way I look forward to cny. I do miss those cny at bukit merah.

Nowadays, everything seems so distant to me. Especially what I'm suppose to call a family. How come I always ends up at such places, where I don't think anyone actually knows how I feel about things. That feeling of a family that isn't close to my heart, and who knows which family is the one I actually held close to my heart. Its the pain that I couldn't describe but just tear when thinking about. Growing up has been so much of pain. Although I'm fortunate, I still cant help but say that it's been a great pain growing up. Every year, it's the different kind of thoughts and different kind of pain. I couldn't tell the truth about how I feel towards the family Im supposed to call 'Family'. The fact is that I no longer feel the need to be attached to this family like how family should be attached together. I think my feelings are pretty messed up. I don't know if its right or wrong to feel and think this way. I just really don't feel the need to belong there anymore. The one's that are my relatives, are those on the other hand, the 'family' that I held closer to my heart. In reality, I don't know whats the right thing that everyone think is right for me. I don't know how I could react to certain things, or what I should do. I wish my grandpa was here to tell me that thing will be alright because he is there for me.

It's too pain thinking about whats at the bottom of my heart. Too pain to write anymore.

Need to stay strong.

Back Alleys

Can't seem to fall asleep, and so here I am ending up posting what have been going through my mind throughout the day. 

Last night, happen to receive a call from Sayyah, and it was nice to hear from him again. It will always be in my memory, this friend that noticed my sadness when I was walking on the edge. Haha. And today, I was on the phone with Laylin too! Damn we're so far apart yet its really nice to catch up on the bits and pieces of our life! So it's been great and surprising to be talking to my 2 friends from miles apart(: 

Anyway, so today the title is back alleys. It has got to do with that photo. Its a back alley, yet what I was going to talk about was the things hidden behind at the back of our minds. Today, after makan session with the polymates, I had that short journey on the train with awesometie. And there he got that chance to tell me what happened in his life recently. It was dishearten to hear what had happened, and somehow I could relate although it wasnt exactly the same situation. 

Remember how I sat by myself many times & wondered why things happened the way it happened. Sometimes wanting to look for solutions yet coming to realize that there isn't any. Sometimes things happens in our lives that's out of our control. Yet still affecting us in all sorts of directions. I've learnt how I cant choose which family I was born into. And here, I understood how my fellow friends with broken family felt. There will always be this gap. That gap in our heart that just makes us grow up a little different from  others. We cant compare what each and everyone goes through in life. I just knew how lonely it'll really feel. How maybe at times I wanna just escape from everything else before. What the adults did was way beyond our control. Way way beyond, and that hurt from their choices leave us with no choice. No choice but to learn how to survive, how not to fall too deep regarding things out of our control. No choice but to seek that better choice, to think in a positive light. Because at the end, we still realize that being happy should be the key. Just yet its never nice when things happens and there u go sitting by yourself thinking  about everything from the start again. 

You'll walk to the back alley & look at it all. 

The people I meet at different point of my life

So wow, happen to be browsing instagram & I saw Bryan's post on instagram. It's really great to see him happily together with his true love of his life. & by the post that he made on insta, I could see how everything had changed for the better for him. So anyway, I was browsing and I saw his post, & I went back to look at the convo's that I use to have with him in the past when we were both heartbroken. 

And I feel thankful that I did had that friend once in my life giving me the kind of encouragement when I couldnt see things right. I knew that back then, his words did not have any effect on me. Now as I look back, I've came to realize what I've done to myself back then. How negative all my thoughts were, and how I really was in that black hole mentally. 

Bryan I guess was that friend that I was lucky enough to know before I graduate, and was that person that I neglected during the times I put myself in darkness. I ought to thank him someday I guess, just like how I thanked Lucas for that friendship he gave, that help me crawl out of darkness. Through it all, I knew there were many people that helped me, and gave me advise. Just like that time visiting Lgk, and Elina still rmb how she once told me that someday I'll definitely meet a person better than the one that's gone. Although I couldnt really rmb how each and everyone has done their parts in helping me indirectly, I know lots of them helped me walk through in their own ways. 

That part where Bryan said my 'negative thoughts were like virus'. I thought about how Samuel eventually is the one that had an impact on my thoughts. I guess Im really glad to meet someone like him last year, someone that I knew will positively influence me. It's just great to know how he actually brought me hope to a future together & how its always so assuring with him. He always makes me feel love. 

Love,

Z

Hi there ((:

Hi everyone! 

How's everything going on? It's february now. I was packing up my things and I happened to read my diary written back in 2010. Realized how I am full of hope during that year. Now, with a different set of mind, I guess I've changed. Still realized that that attitude I had back then is still very important today. I wanna have that again. 

...

Anyway I think maybe Im not using my tumblr to blog! Oh goodness I dont even know why I blog that. I just felt a little messed up in my head recently. Thinking and over thinking. I dont know how to get all this away. Dont know how I should straighten myself out. Im messed up messss. Like really messed in the head Idk howww

Theres just been things that has been going through my mind. Running and running around. Things that I wanna type out in words to see whats really going on in my head. Things that I wanna reflect on. Like my feelings. Just Im feeling so unsettling. So confused. And this is not a nice feeling. Angst at little things too. Idk what's gotten into me. ):

Help

The Water

As I walk pass the swimming pool to refill my bottle, I always wished that I'm in that water facing my fears. Well, I always says that I love swimming. Just that memory of me almost drowning when I was a toddler is still fresh in my head. Whenever I struggled during training in the past, I felt like I had that choking feel. Being able to swim, was my greatest happiness because of overcoming that fear. It sometimes still exist as I'm weak with the waves and water. Why I love swimming? I always felt that the water takes away everything. Takes away my fear, my worries, my doubts. It kind of is my remedy to be healthy and happy. oops. Am I using that word right? 'Remedy'? I thought it suits in that sentence. Anyway, I'm too lazy to check up the proper meaning of that word. So back to my love for swimming. Yupp, it takes away the way my head felt tired from all that thinking. Those worries, or those silly thoughts. I need it, to sit by the water and just think about nothing. Think about my life , yet think about nothing.


Love,
Z