Hurts

Still hurts like crap. I couldnt believe it. I couldnt cry too. Its bad really bad. I wish it wasnt true. But i had faced the reality in my face.

Mornings

Every morning i wake up feeling cold. My heart froze. And its as if my throat is stuck with sorrows. Its sad. But i hope time will heal me. Rmb. Whats meant to be will always find its way. I have got to let go. But how? Im trying my best to love. Im writing damn letter everyday. In hope that i could get in touch with him. As in through the passing days, he will still know me. I hope he will write me back. But i guess i will stop hoping anymore. Its heartbreaking. Really heartbreaking. I know love is just a Bonus in life. And i should concentrate on greater things like my own goals and dreams, just like what he is doing right now. He isnt the best guy on earth, but i will still love him the way he is. Still rmb long time ago, the only guy that caught my heart was him. Maybe someday he will be back, maybe he wont. Maybe he will build his own family without me. And i guess time will heal me. Maybe next time, it wont hurt as much as now. But i will always be wishing here that we will have something tgt. Something we once dream of. A family together. 

But i know i must prepare for the worse. 

Love,

Zihui

..

I want to change, I want to be different. But I also want to continue this shit life journey with Jinson.

How do I let go of someone?

Someone that I love secretly and silently for 4-5months, then miracle of love happened.

Someone that I love before we are even together.

Someone that I am willing to love no matter who he is, or what he can become.

Someone that I am willing to give everything to.

Someone that I wouldn't mind crying for.

Someone that I wouldn't mind staying here waiting just for him to go out and explore and chase his dreams?

Someone that I would wait patiently and still love him in years to come.

I just don't want all of these to end. I just want to try it all, try and work things out.

But would it ever happen?

All I pray for is this chance. A chance for me to try again. Just this chance.

I wish someone will tell me right down that yes this is a test for me. This is just a test for this relationship. It's all about passing this test that we are all doing in life.

I want the test with Jinson to pass. even if I fail many times, I will work hard just to pass this test.

I wish it is really a test.

I think I need help.

I wish

I wish i was given the chance. I want this chance. I wanna fight for this love. Pple says its not worth it. And i can find someone so much better. All i want is to do my best for this love. Love should nvr be kept inside. It shouldnt be hidden. I will try. I will give my very best. Idk what to do. Please i pray for just this chance to  get it all back. Im gonna fight for this. And i will only choose to stay strong if that if the only thing left for me

I shouldnt do this to myself

I know maybe i should let go. But right now, im still fighting for this love so hard. Its like one sided love now. I wish I could stop doing this to myself. I know Im really silly, to let someone else affect me so much. But I really do love him. He will always be this someone special in my eyes. The bad the goods, they are all just special to me. I took time to embrace this love. And now I need time to embrace this break up. It wasn't exactly said as a breakup. It is just a decision made. A decision made to continue his life without me in it. It's so difficult. I want to wait. Wait and go into the future. I don't know what I will be anticipating in this future. But I just hope this right one will be back to me someday. Just like how my turtle likes wondering out and be away, but will come back to me if its really mine. I wish he will have fate with me like how my turtle did.

I know I need to put him aside, embrace the memories, and strive on with my life without him in it. But I couldn't just do that. The least I could is to write to him and continue to love him.

Its officially one sided kind of love now. But love will never die. It circle the memories round and round and out of order. I guess love would only die the day I die. I know I shouldnt be so weak, so pathetic. But the least I could is love him silently. Send him letters that he doesnt deserve. But maybe those letters he will throw or not even read with any feelings with it. 

I need to write. i need to. Maybe writing will help me heal. Maybe it wont. But every single day, I will write. I will write dear jinson, its as if Im talking to him but I wont get rejected. I don't know if I would pass him those letters. But I will I guess. I want to do things that I wont regret. 

I will be there for him even if he doesnt needs me. Even if he isnt here for me. This thing hurts like shit. I need to grow up and learn to handle it. Time please heal me. I dont wanna be someone mental about it all.. I dont want to go around feeling like Im mopping my days away. I want to be happy. I want to smile genuinely. I want to be myself and love this world and do things i wanna do. 

I wish Im not torturing myself in those silly ways like writing a letter or hoping. Hoping is scary. But I will hold on to every tiny piece of hope that I can grab hold of. The days are chilly and cold. I shivers and wish that he would be here to give me warm and love. I know he wont be here. I gotta not depend on him. It hurts. Its cold. But my heart still beats fast and is filled with so much love. So much that wouldn't get froze by the cold. The heart is strong. The heart filled with love will give me warm. 

I had to learn to love myself more. But I wouldnt let go of the love for him. People all changes in life. But one thing is zihui will never really change. I will be there for anyone that needs me. Never would forget anyone in my life. Even my kindergarden best friends, will live forever in my heart. I never knew where those people are right now, but I will mark the memories down. 

We all wish that sometimes there is a way to just delete the memories and feelings we had. But would you really do it if there was such a machine? 

Love,

Z

Hope

When do we stop hoping for things? With hope always lead to disappointments. We are just hoping that hope will not become disappointments huh

Matters of heart

When I think about how this thing about my relationship will seem to hurt so much, how cruel it is that people could all just move on and change and forget about things, I will remember those times how I got through the sadness when I'm in Langkawi.

Remember those people that I spoke to?

About work,
About Life,
About Love,
About People.

I remembered the farewell note of a good friend.

This is what was said:

'Let's embrace ourselves
and
Continue living in this cruel world.
May you become as cool and awesome as me someday'

Words, are sometimes just so powerful. Just something we need to hold onto, and remind ourselves that we could overcome this shit.

Sometimes, it just suddenly became so difficult. Because we're human afterall.. Human's that are prone to feeling all this emotions, feeling like the world just turned upside down. Humans that are just fragile like that.

With love,
Z

Sucks

It sucks to feel and care for someone, and it seems to be a one sided love.

Sucks that things cant go the way I want it to be.

Borrowing from people stuff sucks when all I wanna do is return them like ASAP.

haix, I think I have to stop being so retarded about things that doesn't go the way I want it to be.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I could say it's really miserable. It's miserable that I'm having no answer here, pondering about everything yet at the same time nothing.

I guess I'm just waiting. Waiting for what could have been the reality to happen. To see a photo of him with another girl maybe?

I wish it all had never started in the first place. How many of us had wished for such a thing?

I don't know. I'm just waiting to go back to settle this shit. Maybe it's shit maybe it's not?

I really have no idea. Such irresponsibility with the matter of hearts?

Yet again, what's love? what's love actually?

The future

The time to wave goodbye to Langkawi will be here soon. Time to say hello to Singapore is coming too. 

Waving goodbye to the life that is put on 'pause', and saying hello to the reality when I leave Langkawi.

Whether I'm looking forward or not? I'm not too sure. 

All of you know, I'm a person full of dilemma. I don't really know what I really want in my life.

I'm happy to leave Langkawi because I can end this 'paused' period of my life.

Sad to leave Langkawi because I've grown a root here, with the place I stay, and with the people that I've got to know. 

I'm happy to return to Singapore because I can start going after the things that I've missed out. Happy because I can spend more time with my granny, aunt, family, friends. And not forgetting all the food that I've missed out.

Not looking forward to return because I have to throw myself back to reality of how fast pace of Life in Singapore is. Not looking forward because I'm afraid to face my relationship. 

Love,

the Dilemma Z

Hi there 2014

Its a new year and all. I hope for changes. Changes are scary. But changes makes us grow. We never stops growing. 

Wellz i have no idea what im talking about.

Anyway, im just here to put down my feelings. You know sometimes I really feel silly. Silly to wait for this man who arent here for me. Silly to think of myself wanting to be there for this man through his NS yrs. Im silly arent I? I wish I wasnt the kind of nice person. But Im just doing the things that zihui does. I dont want to give up without trying for this relationship. I hope I get the chance to try. 

For 2014, I will be better at expressing my feelings without hiding. 2014 will be the year I start chasing my dreams one by one(: I have a lifetime to learn. 

And I hope my relationship will work out. Will be fixed back in pieces like a puzzle. The least I could do is try. 

I guess 2014 new yr resolution is to nver stop trying. Im giving my best. And I mean I will.

Love,

Z