Driving me crazy

I've never felt like this before. That mind that couldn't settle. And sitting down or just waiting to be on the way home. That journey by myself with my music makes me want to just break down and cry.

Crying is not a sign of weakness.
It could be a sign that you've been strong for too long
or
It could be a sign that you're alive.


I couldn't help it. I just listen to those songs, and it felt like I could scream those songs or just cry and feel relief instantly. I don't know if anyone ever felt like that. I wish there's someone being a listening ear here for me. Just listening to me talking about how I can't take it anymore, and let me finish crying, so that I would feel better.

Why is it difficult? Work isn't a difficult thing isn't it?

I tried, tried to know the importance to keep my things organised. To sort things out. To make sure that I consolidate my learning. But the fact is that everything just keeps coming into my face like it showing me/ telling me how "Work is endless".

It's just too overwhelming, like its swallowing me up. Like whenever I leave the work place, and leave that state of mind there, I realize that work kind of made me feel so damn overwhelm just as I step out of it to think for a moment.

When Im at work, I can hardly feel that overwhelming feeling. Because I'm just swarm into that madness. Madness of not being able to cope properly.

Stepping away from the office makes everything, all the feelings come rolling in.

Rolling in like I can just let my distress tears flow.

I have to stay strong, stay positive.

Because it wont rain forever. And I gotta put up with the rain to enjoy the rainbow.

Love,
Z
I could hardly breathe

Phobia

Its time for sleep, yet that throbbing headache kept me awake and thinking.

Well phobia. Its like not that serious but I believe this kind of phobia exist.

I dont grow up with pets at home. Cant deny that at one point if my life, I wanted to have puppy at home cos they're just so cute. But then cos of religion, we learn that animals should have their freedom.

Rmb how this topic was an almost issue in my past relationship too. When we talk about future, and the other party said that he wanna have a pet. And what I said was that have pet then dun have baby. Cos bringing up a pet is like bringing up a baby. Who have the time to look after so many "kids"?

I came to be more brave towards animals like doggy because of my bestfriend. I went to her house and there happy was. All lively and excited when seeing strangers. And I just have no choice but to face my fear everytime I go to her house. For I couldnt kick happy away isnt it. I rmb how navin was scared of animals and he said he kicked his friend's dog because it was his natural reaction when the dog approach him.

Its like a phobia that no one really understands, except for those that knows of.

Idk what to do. Yet theres no point stressing over. Because the person close to me wont really get me. Sigh

Blinking fast

In a blink of an eye, its the fourth week into this new job. Time will fly fast and months will be gone fast. Lets just hope that I enjoy every little moment and make them count in many little ways.

Feels abit bloated today. Dont know is it them menses or is it that I ate too full for dinner. But anw I wash the clothings and hung them. Hurray. Lucky granny didnt do the laundry. Here I have, those opportunities to help out. Anw time to sleep.

Today lover drop by my work place and pick me up after work(((: really happy to see him even just for a little while(((:

Coincidence

Guess what everyone?

I mean this isnt important much. But its still something interesting worth writing. A thought that I never knew I would've been able to know.

Today, after work, everything didnt really go the way it should. Im suppose to end work on time and rush back to tampines and catch a movie with cuzzie. But I ended up leaving work a little later than usual, and ending up not travelling back for a movie.

Went to meet le lover for dinner(: isnt it nice that we had lunch together and then dinner too? Its such a rare and lovely day. After dinner, we parted our own ways as we've got some stuff to do.

Went my way back. And zoom to the coincidence. Well, I saw him. After all these time, I actually saw him. Like really saw him standing right in front of my eyes. I've nvr thought that I would see him again. And during those time of being in that deep hole, I've imagined bumping into him somewhere I wouldnt wanna be.

It might have been those times that I've taught myself how to embrace such situation. But when it really did happen, it was another story as a whole. I cant believe that I was brave enough to stand in front of him and not avoid or run away. I guess I must have grown up and learn how to face things better now. I wanted to just be awkward and find myself a corner and ignore his existence. Yet I handled it in a mature way. Saying hi and all, and actually holding a normal conversation like we're just a long lost friend.

Conversations went on, and Im glad I survived that. He said that its fate, and in my mind, im thinking about I believe in fate---- fate that I have with Sam. Fate that I didnt have a long relationship with JS. We're still the same in some ways, yet so slightly different.

It was even more shocking when he came out of the train station and came after me just to apologize for the things he did to me.

I guess I finally got that closure that I wish to have. This is more than just a mere coincidence. Yet I wouldnt call it fate.

Fate is the way I meet Sam, and our everyday together and in the future(((:

Cant believe I was brave enough. Yay

Ring

Dont you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shines
And life makes love look hard

Its so difficult just thinking about the what ifs.

Yet, I couldnt stop myself from preparing for the worse that could happen in every relationship.

I guess we were never really thought what love really is, or will be. Just that feeling of the love slowly fading into distance, and that love felt less makes it all appear from that dark hole buried deeply. Love never fails. Yet people fail each other. How do you know if your love for each other is strong enough to stick by for a long long time? What I could feel was the love fading into distance. The days felt different now. Im still afraid of falling deep and never able to surface again. Yet I should only be positive and love with all my heart. Vulnerable, but a choice to be made. I wish to love, yet afraid to get hurt. Who doesnt?

At the end of the day, we just gotta find someone worth getting hurt for.

In face of such situations, I still felt like escape might be the better solution. Or rather the best solution is to seek for time by myself to make a decision for the next move. It hurts when things changes. When it felt like the love someone has for u seem to be going down in a really slow motion. Wanting to pick it up, yet feeling that inevitable fall.

Thinking too much and causing unecessary hurt to my own mental health. I wish I could ignore that feeling I have in my gut, and believe naively in true love again.

What keeps me from saying goodbye is that ring I wore on my finger. It kind of reminds me tat love is a promise. A promise I make to the other person wearing the same ring on the same finger. It keeps me from falling apart, yet doesnt take away the fear of someone else leaving me.