31 DECEMBER 2011

hehe today is the last day of 2011!!!
today is ah jie's bday!!!!
and today, i am doing my FREAKING EXCEL assignment the whole freaking retarded day!
hahahhaa
but then i got to do it with the company of deardeer^^
and heheee. everything will be awesome!
2011 is kind of an awesome year to sum up with, i've learn many diff things this yr^^
hahahahahaa
experience many stuff too.
from the very start of 2011 till the very end of 2011
and i've found the one that i love^^
which is the best thing ever^^
anw, i wish all my lovely friends & dearDEER a nice ending to 2011,
and a joyous start to 2012!!!!
hopefully, no one will be @ our freaking ears nagging off @ us.
and nothing will make us unhappy oh??
hahahaha!
still i will say
KEEP SMILING!
just smile!
SMILE^^
hehe^^
anw, just posting my last post of 2011 cos im gonna go n do freak the freak excel shit^^
TAKECARES^^

rest in peace god dad..

so i went for the funeral today.
and i see the face in the photo. i seee the face and the body in the coffin.
i see my god dad. closing his eyes, no signs of life.
its a body with no life .
no more smiles
no more conversations
no more hello god dad
no more catching up
no more smiling to my god dad.

no more. nothing else .
there's nothing nothing nothing.

god dad is gone.
he's really really gone.
its the cruel reality

before i went and pray, my granny was behind me. she said 'rmb how much ur god dad doted on u?'
and i stood there, be brave and not let my tears flow out.

then i kept quiet. and i looked at the photo. and i made myself not to feel anything.
if i don't go and feel something , i will not cry.
then i took the joss stick
i pray, i looked at his face in the photo. i stare at it, and in my heart, as i pray, i said ' hello god dad, how are you, long time didnt see u^^'

then i put down the joss stick.
then they went into the place and see the coffin where his body was placed. the coffin is opened.
beneath the glass, its where his body lay.
i took a deep breath, and i went up to look at it. its him, my god dad. its him. i can see him((:
but then a moment ltr,i realised that he's dead. he's dead. he's nvr going to be able to talk to me, nvr able going to communicate with me at all. i didnt cry. i held on to my tears. trying not to cry.

my granny said, ' so unexpected, he is like living well and properly then suddenly, suddenly..'
she said in dialect..

i heard. it suddenly dawned on me he is really really gone. he's gone from us. but he is actually there a moment ago. but he's gone.... so suddenly. he's gone.

then we went out, sat at the table, and i cleared my tear away n sat there, trying not to cry. granny comforting my god mom. i sat there and stay to myself. then i hear their convo again.

granny says she still rmb how my god dad will take blanket, cover my properly while i sit the boat with them. how he will look after me so properly like im so precious and fragile. how he will bring me go eat at restaurants once in awhile. how he'll dote on me so much. how much he loved me as his god daughter.

im indeed fortunate, to have him as my god daddy. he's a good man.

they mentioned how he will always treat everyone very well.

eugene korkor said he will always ask god dad why is he so kind, why he treat pple so nice, pple will just take him for granted or take advantage of him. and my god dad will say this which i loves. god dad will say, it's okay, so long as he is happy, do not need to go and think if pple take advantage of him or not.. he is doing all the things which he feels happy doing, even if he don't get back what he provides for others. so long as he didnt do anything wrong, he is happy with helping pple even if pple take advantage of him. do what he's happy with.

then they start to say about how its really shocking again.
like how if it's really times up for a person, they will just go, we must let it go. its all fated.
i rmb how there's so many yrs that i lost contact with them, and just this year, got in touch again. they were really happy. eugene korkor said when they found out where they can find me, the whole family just prepares and come out all the way to ion uniqlo to find me. they have no idea how i look as its been really long time ago since they last saw me, they looked everywhere and anyone could be me. they were really ecstatic when they saw me. i can see it by myself on the day when i finally saw them again. i feel kind of awkward as it's been really long. now, i can see how they are still the same.. the amt of love there is like forever there. im forever the god daughter that they dotes on..

many many months pass, n its really sad how i nvr even take my initiative to meet up to eat with somebody that i will never ever get to see again. my heart breaks to know that..

should i say bye to god dad?
but this isnt even a proper goodbye.
i will never ever get this chance to see him again.

all im left with is the notebk he gave me back when i was in kindergarden, and the photo that i kind of destroyed due to playfulness. all i have now is memory in those photo, memories in my head.

im really really tired. im not physically tired. im mentally tired. although these few days i havent been thinking about all these sad stuff, and i've been living in those blissfull moments with dear jinson, i know that deep down in my head, im tired cos im mentally tired. im sad, i pushed it away. i dont want to be sad. no one will. i just numb myself, and carry on in my life. i just carry on in life as if it's any other day

i went pass day by day since i heard the news, and pretend that nothing had actually happened.
now, since its dug out, i shall blog.
but i am really tired.

im tired.. i wonder to myself how easy it is to see a dead person that u r related to, closing his eyes there and he's gone.. im really sad... tired... but i know, after i close my eyes, i will open it ltr. cos im resting....

life is really short. life is really unpredictable.
i guess i've forgotten about that.

and my 2012 resolution will be to cherish everyone around me.
i shall not speak to my elderly in a rude tone as i will never want to regret
and i will cherish those that i love .. i must not forget to cherish. i must appreciate...

i know that its never easy to make it into action, but its always easy to say.
this repetition of not cherishing and appreciating, and regretting it all kept happening. i feel so heart broken to imagine those that i love to be gone from me one day. i cannot take this shit. but this is life i know. its sad. but its a choice. being sad is a choice. being happy is a choice. just make the choice and live with it zihui. just make the right one and dun regret.

smile.............

life is shOrt.

i guess i should always keep this in my mind.

hi pple!

it's been awhile since i last posted yea?

mid sem test is over!

and swimming bbq was quite nice! coach have a really BIG puppy!!!!

on saturday,  i guess i spent my whole day at home??

then on sunday i got a shocking news... my god dad died.

i realised that life is really short.

although i nvr really interact with them all these years, and i only got to contact them this yr january, losing my god dad is a really sad thing. i rmb how much he doted on me, the things that he bought for me. all those girly dress when i was a kid. how when my bday they celebrated for me. how if they got the time, they will come and visit me. 

i even rmb the time where i went to stay over at their house when i was very very young.. i rmb the noddy and the toy land bag they bought me, and its so precious to me that i nvr use it at all.. which i gave it to my little sis this yr.

i rmb how when they lost contact, and this yr, they are able to contact me, they were so happy and joyous to see me. that when im busy working at uniqlo, they will come all the way down to see me, and give me red packet cos cny just pass.. and when my sch start, they wanted to bring me to dinner, to catch up with whats in my life now. i can say that i wanted to meet them to sit down n talk to my god dad n mom.. but sadly, sch kept me so busy that i didn't get the chance n didnt bother to take some little time just to call them up.

now that he is gone, i wont even have the chance at all. all i can do is whenever i think of all these, i can just sit and tear a bit. bit by bit. this is another regret that i have. a regret that i can nvr ever forget.

i rmb in the pass, we always sit boat to places, and when im scared, i will tell my god dad that i wan to sleep. he will carry me n let me slp on his shoulder, or he will let me slp on his lap. i rmb i always nvr slp.. i just say i wan to slp so tat i can close my eyes n not be afraid of the waves.

my god dad doted on me. now he's gone. i nvr even get the chance to talk to him. i nvr even get the chance to talk to him when im this old. all i had is again, those vivid memory that i had when i was young.

some might say memories are better than when there is none.

but this sad feeling of someone gone in my life will forever like taking a piece of my meat away... it's painful..

how i wish someone would just come and tell me its not real.

how i wish my god dad will call me n ask why i hadn't call them at all... signs of im being alive. living in this world happily.

i want to cry. but i don't want to cry .

i want to cry so hard. but i don't want to cry .

this is how i felt.

anw, sunday i went to national museum with my deer :P

the museum isn't interesting, but its interesting to spend time with dear.

at night, we went to dinner with his mom. and his mom is very nice. we ate at dian xiao er. then his mom so sweet. bought me headband.. awww man. i will think of something to make for her some day..

anw, that's sunday.

so today, beautiful day spent with dear too. went to do grp project at parkway, and then at night dear dear's mom came n we eat dinner. she is so funny. i say my tummy pain cant eat, then she insist  i eat something... hehee.

then she walk walk then went to grab the medicated oil, to buy for me.. oh man she's so nice...

how can i show her that i appreciate what she does ???

hmmm..

anw, i shall slp.

goodnight my lovely friends and of cos my deer((:

you are my sunshine my only sunshine~

inevitable thought that floats back at times.

morning !!((:

just finished my milo plus biscuit for breakfast.

while eating my breakfast, this thought suddenly floats back to me..

i always wonder would i ever so coincidentally bump into this women n suddenly its a shocking news that i've bump into the women whom is my mom....

ok... why am i thinking stupid things...

anw, then i start to think about everything. this thought that i ever have came back to me once again.. this kind of thought is the thought that when i think bout it , i will feel like crying...

its how when i think, i feel like i don't actually belong anywhere. you know though i actually belongs somewhere, i feel that i don't really belong anywhere. its just so stupid.

you see, i don't actually belong to anywhere u know why? my biological mom have her own family, and maybe her own child with her current husband or whosoever, my papa also have his own family, with my stepmom and step sis inside. literally, i dont belong anywhere. i broken somewhere that belongs to 'in the middle of NO WHERE'....

im living with my papa stepmom n sis now. i belong to this family.. but truthfully, i seem to be someone extra. my aunts always say that when i grow up, they will treat me like money tree, u kno the one tree that pple shake n money drops?
yea.. they say that. dont u think someday when these stupid thoughts gets back to me, i will feel like im being made used of?

i feel like a sad.. whenever these thoughts comes back to me.. like i don't actually belong anywhere at all. i would ask myself why am i being born into this world... sometimes.... but i kno that im here for a purpose(((:

anw, i know im very blessed with the people that are in my life. i should not think of those stupid things and i should just live my life happily..

NO LOGIC.

just before i go lie in my bed and sleep or study, i would like to say NOo LOGIC..

what a retard. i feel so retarded all these while.. cos i've been learning the NOT SO RIGHT stuff.. and go take the extremely CMI test. retard. i feel damn freaking demoralized.

to add on, i nvr feel not demoralized at swimming. n i will always feel demoralized if this goes on. although i didnt quit swimming from the start, and i dun wan to quit, the demoralized me will ask myself why did i hang on to keep swimming when PRACTICALLY all the stuff i've been doing is like WRONG? can anyone tell me?

anyway, on friday, i took my lifesaving 123 test. this is when i feel damn freaking retarded again. u kno, basically from the start of the test, we've been doing every single things WRONG.. and the tester talked so much n taught us so damn freaking much in that short few hours compared to what our instructor taught in those FREAKING MONTHS. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME TO LEARN SOMETHING AND THEN THE RESULT FROM IT IS TO FEEL DEMORALIZED AND LIKE A CLOWN DOING EVERYTHING not so right. FREAK THIS RETARD THING..

omg.. how tell me how not to feeel demoralized? how?

but anw, all of us pass the test. EVEN MORE NO LOGIC TRUTHFULLY. IDIOTTTT!!
anw, yea, NO LOGIC. THE TESTER SAY 'WHY U ALL DO THESE WAY? NO LOGIC.......... NXT,.......NOLOGIC......NO LOGIC......NO LOGIC.........' and it just keep going on.......

what a sad lifesaving learning that i went through. so sad.. so demoralized.
i cant have confidence when all things i do is wrong wrong wrong.. cos i will look like a confidently retarded clown. )))':

ZIHUI that disappoints people..

you know, im such a disappointment i know. sometimes, i wish that i wont be so ambitious..

sometimes i wish that i wont disappoint anyone.

today, i feel like im really a disappointment to others.

why dont i have any discipline?

the whole of today, i can say that i literally didnt do any revision or tutorial.. i did everything BUT study.

i need to study. yet i just waste the whole day today..

lets see what i did.. i laze in my bed, i stare at the computer and look at all website but anything related to geography.. i did look at the GTT stuff.. i LOOK.. otherwise, i did nothing that im suppose to do.. and i saw on fb this link for this 'you are the apple of my eye' video.. and my eyes got stuck to it.. its not a video. its literally the whole movie.

oh my goodness..

someone come tell me im such an idiot.. im so disappointing.. what am i doing?????

why do i always end up not doing the things that i said i will do?

i feel like i've let pple who believe in me down...

its just feels like the last sem before my main exam..

went back to secondary school and i got to see all my teachers.. was telling them about my poly life.. no one even my friends believed that i hadn't did consistent studying. then i realised that i lost that part of myself that study consistently, i lost the part where i will work hard and do my very best in my studies.

i lost the part of myself and i feel that i've let down people that believed that i can do it
and this isnt something that felt nice. its like..... disappointing.. why am i such a disappointment? what's the point of saying and not doing a single shit about it?

stupid me.
anw, ok i shall stop doing all this retarded saying and i should just do it huh?
whats the point of saying when there is no action?
retard only.?

distracted me..

so i guess i've been distracted since i finished eating my noodle..
i laze around in my bed thinking about my dear honey
i look at some movies that are coming out and try to search on funshion-.-
i look at blog
i look at diff pple's fb profile... scanning at how diff pple looks like.. diff angles..
i stoned in my room a little while..
i think of what should i find to eat
i eat some things i found on my table n in the cupboard..
i still think of eating...
i want eat noodle!
i look loook looooook...
i look at the 'my dumb story' mail i sent to my few friends before..
i look at the GTT thing and think 'oh god how to study):'
i look everywhere...
i keep thinking and thinking... day dreaming, stoning at my chair,
i sing song that i plays on my loudspeaker..

see how retardedly distracted i am?
hehee! today is SUNNNY RAINNNYY SUNDAY!!!!!!
ITS CALLED ZIHUI'S LAZY DAY..
I GUESS EVERYDAY IS LAZY FOR ME.. FREAK.......
I SHOULD REALLY START STUDYING.. I FEEL LIKE EATING SOMETHING....
ERM.. STUPID FINDING DISTRACTION AGAIN)))):

freak.. distracted like what...

ah freak freak. so stpid... i've been so distracted. lazying ard,looking everywhere on the internet.... oh my goodness.... cant stand it....-.- oh man oh man......

start now start now... tmr test....... test tmr.... coming tmr... cant google??? pray hard.... oh man.... should be study hard stupid...tsktsk.... hmmm...

zzZ..........

dream...

i dreamt that i went back to uniqlo, and i saw arao-san, and i talked to him. i asked if he allows me to work for 1month during the holiday... hehee.. i was happy that i get to see arao-san and i got the chance to ask if he allows me to work again.. though he didnt answer if its ok.....((((:

also, i've been feeling like eating cupnoodle... and i dreamt of eating it.. awwwww. why it all happens in my dream ?!?!?!?!?!?

JUST DO IT BRAIN..for my own reference.....

come, i guess i need to start really planning on my schedule for doing stuff.. this is getting... let's START!

coming wk.....

SUNDAY

1. COMMSKILL DISCUSSION 
2. GTT QUIZ

MONDAY

1. GTT online test (20%)

TUESDAY

1. OB tutorial
2. RMB go calculus REVISION LECTURE!!( dun skip!): )

WEDNESDAY

1. ECOns tutorial...

THURSDAY

1. CALCULUS MST (20%)

FRIDAY

1. BCS EXCEL TEST(15%)
2. JOB SEARCH DOCUMENT (commskills)
3. LIFESAVING 123 test!!!!!!!!!

things to do to prepare for the upcoming stuff...

SATURDAY 

• DO GTT quiz (9-11 am)
• DO commskills forum discussions properly(1-3pm)
• compile GTT online learning (3-4:30pm)
• OB tutorial (1hr 30min)
• econs tutorial(1hr 30min)
• read up GTT before sleeping.

SUNDAY

• WWW whole day)))))))))))))))))))):
• GO museum for my art.
• study GTT before slp.

MONDAY

• continue BCS notes in sch during my long break.
• do OB notes when reach home.

TUESDAY

• touch up my MASK):

WEDNESDAY

• study econs during my break
• think of commskill submission for friday

THURSDAY

• study CALculus during break.
• after calculus do OB notes in sch
• study for BCS excel for FRIDAY TEST
• dont forget COMMSKILL submission

FRIDAY

• worry for lifesaving123-.- [pray period dun come))))))):]

THATS IT!!! OK!!! TIME TO SLP!!!

WTH...

just realised that i hate this online discussion forum stuff!
freaking COMMSKILL.. every wk must log in once!
and its so wth! idk the stupid commskill must submit once again or not. and last wk i nvr submit anything cos i thought pinpin says that we r going too fast.. oh great, now i have an absence just cos i nvr submit anything! this stupid risky online stuff! idiot!

ARGH.. and i just realised that there seems to be so much to study for nxt wk.. ahhh... JUST DO IT......
freak.

YOOOHOOOO

I AM A HAPPY GIRL TODAY^^
MY OB QUIZ GOT 19/20!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!
AND MY CALCULUS GOT 29/30!!! YAYYYYY!!!!
I SECURED 4.75% FOR OB & 9.67% FOR CALCULUS!!!! JIAYOU!!!!
AHHH I WAN MY GPA 4 THIS SEM! I HOPE MY HOPE IS STILL THERE!! GOT TO HANG ON!!!
WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!
MID SEM TEST IS COMING!!!!!
LET'S GET EXCITED TO STUDY OK?

ok i think im happily crazy! I MUST study hard!!!! FREAK!

JIAYOU EVERYONE!! LET'S SCORE WELL AND SLP WELL AND PLAY WELL TOGETHER^^ <3