Mixed feelings

Well, as all of you might know, I'm gonna be back to Singapore soon. How soon? Pretty soon because I've been counting down since the very start. I know it's bad to do things this way as I should live in the moment. HAHA. So anyways, it's been a quick 16 weeks here in Langkawi. I guess I would really miss my colleagues here. But I'm also looking forward to go back and deal with the daily nonsense we get as a Singaporean(; hehe.

Wish all will be great for everyone out there. Have you done your 2014 new year resolution yet?

Love,

Z

Dear PJ

I know it must have been a really tough time for you right now. Hatred about Life and Death will definitely be something that's with you in this tough journey.

Every single day, we all live in the fear of losing the people we love. And you are facing it in a really hard way.

We all have no answers to how we will recover from this hurt that we feel in our heart. And we will not know how we will ever climb out from this hole that is so deep and so dark. Its like how we never ever wants to see the sun shine again because it really hurts.

I can't tell you to be strong because we all gets weak with this Life and Death situation.

I can admit to you that right now, I still haven't let go of the person I love so much, and is gone for almost 8years already. I will say that my regret is not being able to tell him I love him, and show him love while he is sick. And in the recent year I lost another love one too. And that became my second regret in life up to date.

I just hope that you do things, say things, that you wont regret. JIAYOU & keep on fighting the battle of this journey.

Here's a song dedicated to you. This song has lyrics that I feel I can relate to when life seems really down.

Love you too PJ,Jiayou

Love,
Z

The Festive of ___

Hey there my lovely friends,

I hope all of you are cherishing the time all of you are gonna have before 2013 ends. Well, sometimes we would all think about how everyday is just any other day.

 So what if its the end of 2013?
 What if its Christmas?
 What if its chinese new year?
 So why is it so special?
 Everyday is just like the passing clouds. They come and they pass. Occasionally the sky looks nicer. Occasionally the sky looks beautiful. Occasionally we will observe and cherish the beauty around us.

I'm not the kind of person who loves and feel festive for Christmas etc. And neither do I feel special for celebrating my birthday. I don't like surprises because surprises meant that people around you will kind of lie(White Lies) to you just to surprise you. But sometimes, I guess we just have to live in the moment?

Well, I know that Living in the Moment is such a Cliche word. A word that anybody can say but don't live in the moment at all.

For me, I didn't like all the celebrations because it makes me feel the emotions. Like feeling touched and everything because I really do appreciate the small little things that anyone does for me. Most of the time, I won't show that I'm really touch or appreciative and stuff. If I ever show that appreciative self, I guess I will be crying all the time. Because I will be really touched by all the things that is done for me. Awwww. So most of the time, I will hide all my feelings and show a neutral self. HAHA. People might think that I'm Emotionless. But I just don't wanna be too emotional.

Right now, I actually don't know what am I really blogging about. Guess I'm talking a lot of crap here?

I'm actually in the midst of the START of my portfolio. And I'm left with less than 1 month to finish this portfolio shit for my internship. But I have no idea why I don't have any inspirations for my portfolio, but I do have LOTS of inspirations for my thoughts. Goodness right?

I guess I'm just a person that thinks too much. So anyway, many will always say this is the FESTIVE OF JOY. But I prefer not to wish anyone with this JOY word anymore. This word kind of reminds me of the name of the girl that is Jinson's '1st GF' .

What a word right? I guess I'm still just immature with the matter of hearts. I really do not know if Jinson is my Mr Right anymore. I hope I don't live in Fantasy of Love all the time. Watching too much drama huh? At times, I stay strong with my choice of loving someone just to see them happy. Sometimes, I tell myself to fight hard for the things that is worth fighting for. Sometimes, I look at myself and tell myself that I'm being too hard on myself, that I should just take a rest and forget about the world.

I'm always having such a conflicting feelings from time to time. It's just so difficult. I guess I will never ever get the answer for my whole lifetime huh? If I knows the answer to everything, wouldn't I be GOD already?

Since I'm not god, I will learn to 'live like we're dying' <<<
Learn to appreciate the things we had in our daily life. I hope I can do that, but we all gets lazy with feeling motivated with life all the time that we forget the reason of living.

Anyway, I saw this link on Facebook, talking about what is love.

There is actually this book written by Dr. Helen Fisher : "Why Him? Why Her? How to keep Lasting Love"

I will be looking for this book. Because I'm so interested to learn!!!!!!!

2013 haven't come to an end, and 2014 haven't started yet!

But here's to my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!!!!!

It is simply to be Motivated to Live, Motivated to Learn, and Not be Afraid of Failures.

No matter what happens to my future, I will learn to cherish every single day and make sure that I learn something. I want to be energetic for the things that I do, and not feel tired of Life.

I know my new year resolution is not realistic as it is not measurable. Hence, to make it measurable, this is the following things that I'm gonna do to make my resolution happen.
1) To spend Quality time with the love ones, like having at least 1 meal at home or watch TV with my granny
2) Not be Afraid of Failures by doing something that I always want to try (Wakeboarding? Travel to another country without my parents)
3) Read and learn about something New in 2014 (like reading the book and learning about what Dr. Fisher thinks)
4) Finish drafting one sketchbook of WEIRD DESIGNS.

Love,
Z

Hey there

I understand that its difficult to talk about it PJ. I want to say that I hope everything will be alright. But somehow, its seems that the reality is being smack right in the face. How can anyone ever face this thing? The feeling of the lost of a family? All I can say is that you must stay strong. Because that became the only choice you have. Please do not fall. Just cry when you need to. Dont keep it all inside. If you keep your sorrows inside, it will stay there forever. I wish you all the best. 

Till I see you.

Love,

Z

14 December 2013

So well,I've mentioned that I will need time to heal, and I shall leave the social media sites. But now, I'm feeling better. Good enough to still continue blogging about my feelings. Sometimes, I really feel so weak. I know the world doesn't stop just because the relationship ended. And of cos, I shall continue to strive on in life strongly. But I swear, deep down, it's really difficult to let go of the person that I commit myself to. This is how it seems to go 'People throw rock at things that shines and LIFE makes LOVE look hard'.... Well, it's one of my favourite taylor swift song. Haha. I wish that I could let go of it all. But I really need him to tell me in the face that he will never love me anymore. I cant let go when he is confused about his own feelings. This just makes everything even more complicated. Sometimes, I wish I could go back into the past, and learn to not take this love for granted. But I know that this is not possible. Nobody could bring me back to those days where I forgot what is love. I wished that I hadn't been so stubborn at times. But it's so difficult to change that stubborn self. I wish I would talk in a nicer way a nicer tone. I wish I hadn't took it all for granted. Maybe, Maybe... If I hadn't taken it for granted? Maybe things will still look like how it is in those photographs. Well, Takecare there people. Life is never fair. But Life don't suck. HAppiness is n our own hands ya? Wish I could tell myself and remind myself that.

The heart that cry

After looking through those photos, listening to the songs, I finally could cry. I don't know when I can ever stop feeling sad for the lost of this relationship that I treasure so much. Maybe I should just embrace this sadness, and walk on the journey by myself, like how it was all planned out initially.

I can do this.

I admit, Im really weak. I lay down in my bed the whole day, but couldnt sleep a wink. I lay down there not able to do anything. Even under such perfect sky perfect weather, I couldn't do anything except for lie down there feeling lifeless. And i barely eat anything. All I had was a few mouth of bread. Please save me from this sorrows.

Love,

Z Lim

To you who once is that very special someone for me

This song will always remind me of you. 

The part where it sang 

'The silence isn't so bad

'Til I look at my hands and feel sad

'Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly"

To me it is where yours fitted perfectly.

And I would wanna thanks you for the special memories created. I hope I'm not the only person reminiscing our memories and missing those times.

The outing we had to gardens by the bay during our 1st yr anniversary.

Times we spent at the library with you reading ur comics and me reading me bk(:

Rmb this photo was the day when we went kite flying for the first time tgt. and its also ur first time flying a kite.

The ways we act silly together because we dunno what expression to give to the camera.

eating seaweed fries tgt.

Going to our favourite wanton mee place.

having breakfast tgt

going to the science centre and snow city tgt.

Train rides we had tgt where i can sleep peacefully on ur shoulders.

Times we spent playing at the swimming pool

Eating ur noodle

The only HAPPY chinese new year we had tgt. because the second chinese new yr, things arent great between us anymore.

This was the first time I celebrate ur birthday with u. 

How we compare who have bigger mouth all the time

Lost our way while going to fishing kampong, but lucky we didnt give up finding that place, and eventually had great time spent there.

And here's a birthday kiss for u. I don't think I will ever be like this together again. 

And lastly I bet u still have the videos of us playing playground tgt?

Sometimes how I wish we could be back to the past, but I think things like that aren't possible? 

Love,

Z

Hi all

I'm gonna be away from all these just for the moment.

I don't want to blog about my feelings anymore.

I could say that I really did love him.

I am gonna put myself from people for this short period of time.

I need time to heal and be happy again.

I will be away from Facebk, Twitter, Instagram.

I don't wanna deal with hopeless drama of needing to blend in with the people here.

I guess I'm gonna be anti-social.

I need time to heal and find myself again. I don't want to lose my hopes and dreams in life.

It bothers me

It bothered me so much.

I couldnt help but agree all the time that curiosity kills the cat. And i am the cat.

I saw things that i shouldnt have seen.

You know what it feels like when people say the truth hurts? Yes it indeed hurts.

I have never felt so hurt. How hurt i am feeling right now is just indescribable.

So hurt that I cant even cry. Its like when the truth hits me, it hit hard. So hard that i trembled. Trembled over here in langkawi. With a confused heart. With a heart that shredded in pieces. With somethingg we called the ugly truth.

I wished that i hadnt let him slip into my heart 2years ago. I really dont know how to accept this truth right now. It feels as if the world just stop. And my heart just stop. I cant sleep.. I cant think in that positive way anymore. I cant tell myself what to do. I dont know if i can survive my remaining 6weeks here treating everything as normal. I feel lifeless. I feel as if I cant feel anything anymore.

Its like I want to block myself out of this world. I don't want to hang out with anyone anymore. I just want to retreat into my own world. Because nobody will be able to understand how am I feeling right here right now. The world starts spinning in my head. I guess thats because I didnt sleep a wink.

I knew the truth right smack into my face. Its like smack into my face. Like smack.

It really hurts. Hurt too hard. I dont know how to cry. I dont know what Im feeling. I wish I never did exist. Never once born, to feel this shit. To be treated like this. Like a replacement of someone elses existence. 

I want to show all of you what I saw. The thing that I shouldnt had read. At all. Shouldnt. Had. Read. That.......

I told myself

Told myself that I should, I WILL, and I must let go of the person that doesn't love me.

But deep down, I still hope that there is something there. Browsing through hundreds of photos, the memories taken together just made me wonder what happened to the two person in the photo.

I wonder if I'm the only silly person looking through all these photo.

I'm really silly aren't I?

I wish I could wake myself to this reality.

I really need the answer, the truth straight in my face, telling me that there isn't any future to be found anymore.

Who can tell me that?

I wish he is firm with his decisions, and not giving me the answers like how confuse he is.

I wish I'm not silently waiting here.

Hi there my dear friends(:

Hello everyone! officially it's 6 more weeks till I'm gonna be back there!

Well, so how have I been?

Im alright fine and everything. I've so much to hear from all of you and to tell to all of you.

Let me try uploading some photo ya? I've already lost touch of the photos I have and which I've post or not post yet. And recently, my computer is working really slow.

Anyway I as really upset yesterday because this HR lady sent someone to paint my roomy and my room without letting us know about it. I swear I'm really glad that I have my roomy to face all these shit with me.

Sometimes I'm really glad for the people that I've met all these while. I can never forget or let go a relationship with people. It's like once I trust them, I really do trust them.

Anyways, I really wish that I could sort out my photos before the New year comes. haix. problem of having too much photographs.

Wellz, what to do? I guess I would need to buy a hard drive to store just photos.

Haha. Anyway I hope that all my lovely friends out there will be doing well((((;

Take care till I post again(;

Sayyah

So here's for my first ever friend from Maldives. (Pardon my sleepy face in the photo)

When we talk about Maldives all the time, we will be thinking about this beautiful Island which we will all dream of going one day. Nevertheless, it's a place of my dream too. 

In the past, I use to tell Jinson that Maldives will be the place to go for honeymoon. I guess not anymore ya? 

So anyway, here's to my special and cool friend. Let me introduce this friend to all my lovely friends ya?(:

His name is Sayyah, and he is 21 this year. A guy that had dedicated his career to watersports(: He is the person where you can see the real example of someone that is having a job which he is passionate about. Do you know? This friend of mine works 7 days a week. How does anyone even survive work like this? It's because he says watersports is his life. I felt so truly inspired by him. He is someone like us, someone young and is growing older. However, he is someone who is living his dreams, living his passion.

At times like this, it left me pondering upon myself, if I'm just dreaming, or would I even go about realizing and living my dreams.

Anyway, I'm really thankful to know someone like him. Will definitely not forget this friend of mine. When I'm feeling really down, he noticed my sorrows. He talks to me and makes me feel that I can have a friend to talk to while I'm here in Langkawi. 

I can say that I felt really upset when its time that he is leaving langkawi. Just have to imagine 8more weeks not able to see this friend at work. Hopefully someday he will come to Singapore(: I have gotta make myself know singapore more in order to bring him around(: 

-the story of my first cool maldivian friend-

1st December 2013

Hi there all my friends,

I'm wondering how have everyone been. It's really great that from time to time, I get to see the updates on each of your blogs. Feels like I still know every little thing about your life even when I'm kinda far away from everyone. Of cos, I'm not really that far away....

Anyways, I've made some friend in Langkawi that I will never forget. Sometimes, goodbyes are really difficult to say ya?

Today is the 1st of December. How fast time is gonna fly. In a blink of an eye, I'm gonna tell you all that I'm flying back!!

So all of you must be wondering how am I surviving right here?

So recently, a few things actually happened.

1. There's a conclusion about my relationship with Jinson. I'm no longer his girlfriend anymore. Although hearing the final thing made me felt really upset all over again, I guess it's for the good of myself. Maybe he is just meant to pass by my life, and not be someone that will appear in the future as my husband ya? But then again, I really don't know if I've already let go of the fact that he is no longer my other partner in life. 
2. So anyway, I'm gonna be working alone at work the following week. Good luck for me.
3. Today, I just bid farewell to one of the friend that I've made here. His name is Sayyah, a guy from watersports. And he is someone from Maldives. I would say that he is one of the friend I would classify as my good friend. He noticed my sorrows when I felt really down, and he is there to cheer me up with the positive things. It's kind of a short friendship because I've just started to know a little bit more about him and then now he is back to maldives. It felt sad because I have to say goodbye to the friend that I chat on FB with constantly. Sometimes, going for dinner when there is chance to eat together. And always seeing him walking pass the reception. Suddenly, this friend of mine is just not gonna be here anymore. No more chance of going out to eat with him. I will really miss this friend of mine. Miss the few times where he drive me out and have some dinner. Miss this friend that is here for me in Langkawi. 
4. Oh not forgetting, I'm left with just 8weeks in Langkawi. And I've not started on my Portfolio, much less finish my mini project. I'm kinda doomz ya? 
5. Just pray hard.

Well, I guess there comes a time where we have to say goodbye to people and not knowing if we will ever get the chance to see them in the future. 

Ah. my thoughts are so messed up. Don't even know what I'm writing. 

Guess I have so much to read when I get back to Singapore in order to brush up my english. 

Damn it. 

Take good care all my friends(:

Sayyah is a unique friend. I've learnt how to read the way he types. Say 'TGC' = Take Good Care. 'Gud98' = Goodnight. Anyway, I'm really happy that I've got the opportunity to know someone like him.