Tired

Im tired.
a moment feeling hungry
a moment feeling bloated

want to shut my eyes, yet I have to look at the computer screen.

I guess I woke a little too early today.

Miss both my babies.

Love,
Z

Quality Time

I wish I could spend more time with my little cutie pie.

But it's always a race against time.

How would he ever understand, when he is currently the one spending time with her.

As I walk by myself on the street yesterday, having a mission to go and look for some work stuff.

Without my baby by my side, I suddenly felt like myself again.

Because without carrying a baby, that sudden identity of being a mother is not present.

Well, it doesnt feel like its present. I felt like my old self again, I thought about how my own biological mother would be feeling last time. How could she possibly choose to walk away, and choose the other path? Doesnt she feel weird without her own baby by her side? Because I definitely felt like a big part of me is suddenly missing. It finally dawn on me that I cannot live a life without my cutie pie by my side. Yet as we get absorb in this world, spending all your time with your child is impossible. Then I suddenly felt sad again, because I now can feel as a mother/parent, and I really don't understand how my mother could choose the other path. But I guess it's all fated. And also inevitable, because I already am growing up with my grandparents, and my mother no longer plays an important role in my life. It's like her presence is not needed, whenever she came back to visit me in the past.

I wish I have more time for my little one.
Because I hate to tell her
"Sorry baby, Mama is going to work/away for awhile"

Too much to take

After a holiday break,
one is suppose to feel well rested.

Indeed, it gave me the time off needed.

but what comes after this time off from work,
is coming back to an overwhelming amount of work on my desk

this felt too much to handle.

and as i sat amongst this mess, i felt like just zoning out away from all these.
it suddenly felt too overwhelming.

this job assigned to one person is too much. its not how it should be

i wish i could say quit again but i cant

hang on.
i need to hang on.
for my family.
its not as though im having a high paying job.

whyyyyy. this must be super underpaid. or maybe not the job for me....
till i post

right or wrong

Sometimes, we often find our own perception of things to be right, and what others perceive as to be wrong.

I wonder if there's really a right and wrong.

More often than not, we'll all come to this conclusion at the end of the day as nothing is really right or wrong in their own way.

We often have explanations for things we find to be right.
Whether they are logical or not.
It will always be right in our own ways.

But at the end of the day, I guess it's really tiring.
To decide whats right or not.

Only maybe, in making others happy, will feel right eventually.
Might feel worth it eventually.

I've pen down my thoughts for now.

yesterday i was just thinking about this...
During courtship days, we all get the conversations.
conversation during mealtime, during free time.
quality time spent while being around the people you love.

during married days, people no longer get conversation.
no conversation during mealtimes or free time.
no quality time spent while around the people you love.
phone become the things you hold in your hand while around the people you love.

more often than not, we try our best to give the best to our child.
we try our best to put phone or work away
cos we know that quality time is not through screen time.
its the interactions that will create wonderful memory

and yes, I'm reminding myself hard,
in order to give this, to create this for my child.

are you?

or is it just to you, that you'll say "your life sucks"
just for the comments i give.
maybe im anal like always,
but im the mirror i guess.

you are my mirror, when you say "your health sucks cos you dont exercise"
it reminds me that i need to work on exercising

but did it occur to you every comment i make is cos im your mirror.

Just fyi. i wish you would see this, but you wont since my blog is kinda dead already.

i hope you know, my life doesnt suck.
my life is brilliant just because i want it to.
just because i comment doesnt mean my life sucks,
and i never understood this comment of yours because i really dont feel that my life sucks.
so im guessing maybe your life sucks.
it sucks that i feel like im the one that makes your life sucks maybe.

who knows. my life dont suck.
i see no problem. but u have a big problem and i wont communicate because u will just be accusing me or the situation.
im tired, i dont like quarrels.
why ignite one when there is actually nothing?

Love,
Z

Weird mood

Can't help but feel this way.
Can't be with my daughter cause gotta work to retire early.

Can't help but feel upset when hubz goes out to "enjoy" his day while I'm here slogging at work.

I think the stress is coming in again.

I wish someone would tell me it's all too normal to feel this way
when you're away from your kids.

I wish I could be with them.

goodness.

I have to stop thinking this way.
I still wish that i could stay home for 2/3 years till my daughter starts school and I'll work part time while she's in school.

Wish I hadn't have to put saving money first.

Moments

Hey there,

Im just here to jote down some precious funny heartwarming moment.

This morning, I tried waking early to make some food for little Rachel and to prepare for dinner.

Decided to make some pumpkin pancakes for her to try. Wondering if her picky mouth would love this pancake.

When she woke, she initially shakes her head when I tried offering her the food. I didnt force her, but simply shove the food in her papa's mouth instead. And put some in my own mouth. I then asked if she wanna try, and she tried some.

While she's in her baby chair, she reached out for the container where her pancakes were placed. Funny how she really likes the pancake and wanna have more. Once, she even stood on her highchair so that she could see the pancake on the table and pointed at the pancakes. HAHA. such a cutie.

P.s. Sam said that she usually don't take much breakfast...

Love,
Zi

Dear dads(:

https://cyndygatewood.com/dear-dads-take-the-picture/

A good read.

Scattered thoughts

Things haven't been easy.
Its though when you cant have a mind of your own.
Though when you cant decide things on your own.
Though when you no longer have much say anymore.

All you had to do was follow
All you had to do was say yes
All you had left to do is follow
All you had left to say is yes

No questions to be asked
Should not question
Should not think about what you want

Now, it have to be as a whole.
Even when what you think you want to do is better for your child.
Even when what you say should be considered for.

He who put others before him.
Then you gotta follow it without questioning.
Unwillingly or willingly,
You just got to do that

Freedom no longer found.
This is the reason why

Friend oh friend,
this is the truth
it might sound scary
but this is the truth

you no longer get to put yourself first
and yes you could put yourself first,
but that wont be pleasant
and that will not be so important anymore

putting yourself first
it will never be the first anymore
it will be putting yourself second
or the third
or the fourth

because even putting yourself first
is not first for yourself anymore

living in a bigger picture
it will mean so many other things

wanting to be happy
in the bigger picture
will mean a whole other story

it meant that
even when it is though
you get to be happy too
you get to enjoy too
you will feel it all worth it
at the end of the day

but even so,
you will sit there
sometimes,
thinking about it all

feeling all so silent
feel that you had lost
yourself

then touching your own heart
finding your original self somewhere
knowing that someday
your original self can come out
and relax
and do all that you want again

maybe then,
after living a fulfilling life
then ready to open another
chapter
of life that you will fulfil
for yourself.

Sometimes, you choose
the other way round
you fight for what you want
you argue for what you want
you speak
you say no
you want to do it the other way

you get mad
you get unhappy
but at the end of the day,
peace seem to be a better choice

sometimes, you cannot help it
you speak
you do
the other way

life as it is
well well well

2017!

Hey there,

It's been so long since I last jote anything.
Right now, I just have this urge to jote something down here.

There's so much changes within these short 1-2years.

Right now, I have this strong sense of understanding of how working long hours is not efficient at all.
And I finally understood how shortening the hours at work can likely be more productive.

Wellwell, lets just tahan and save up a few years before life gets interesting again.

Miss all my friends.

Love,
Zi