Hihi.

Wow i guess the fainting part was really scary eh my dear friend. Hahahahahaah. Hope everything is good for u! Eat healthily alrights? And i forgot! Please dont drink tooo much becAuse alcohol is a depressant! Hehe

Well, lets do some studying D:

Should be

I know i should be studying now. Wellz i got distracted! But hi! I will do my best. I will right? Yes i will!!!!! Hahahahahahaha

Can you feel the love tonight~

Everytime I listen to this song, memories of that day will replay in my head.

The place we went, the rushing taxi ride. 

Coincidentally hearing this song in the cab while on the phone with you. 

How special moments stays special.

What happens now is all up to ourselves. To make the moment special or not.

Life is unpredictable yet full of choices

As of now

As of now, im alright already my dear friends!!!

Dont worry about me. My relationship is on hold now. No breakups. Maybe try harder. Because rmb love nvr dies? And that love is not about just loving but also accommodating. So how much can we accommodate to our differences? We nvr know till we try. 

Love, 

Zihui

Working

normally, work will take me away from the stress i have or the things im upset about. normally work will make me happier because i have got to smile. but working at serangoon gardens country club made me sit here and think crazy. and think of all the possible heartaches. it is driving me crazy. how do i stop myself from thinking those crazy things? how do i make myself calm down? i hope i can control and not go and bother jinson. or maybe i should. but i already decided that i will give him time and i will be alright no matter what his choice is. so why am i thinking crazy thoughts again?

how do i let go? i must learn to let go? but what am i letting go off when im not sure of if i need to let go at all? i wish i have the answer. i wish i know his heart. i thought i know his heart. i hope he is just saying it because we really lost the contact and lost the time for each other. where is the love? where it went.

i wish someone could see the fear in my eyes and tell me not to be afraid. i wish someone will tell me that its all gonna be alright. i wish i wish.

Protecting the Heart

i use to protect myself from hurt. i protect my heart and swear that i wont give it to the person i dun love or the person that dun love me. i don't know if giving to jinson will become my regrets. but i know that at those moments, i believe strongly that he loves me too. now that he said that his love for me has faded, it made me wonder if the start of the relationship was already a wrong step taken. but i really loves him. i know there are many fishes out there. but why?

i wish i could protect my heart again. but i guess to love means risking the heart in someone else's hands. and here i am risking my heart. just didn't knew till now that this risk was kind of a very big risk. a risk that might cause heart to break. but heart don't break. it will always stay intact. but why do i feel the great heart ache. the ache which when i dig out the memories and the things he promised and said, it feels so pain. i wish returning the letters back to him will make him realise that he still love me deep in his heart. what im afraid is after reading, he tells me that he doesnt love me anymore.

Heartaches

im scared. im really scared of losing. im trying my best to love without fear. but the fear keep creeping back to my heart. the fear of jinson waking up and realising that he don't love me anymore after the time i've given him. i wish he would wake up and realise that he still love me like how he does in the start of the relationship. im really afraid. so afraid of what might be the result. i wish i wont be afraid. i wish i was stronger. but i guess when it comes to the matter of heart, im always weak. only when it comes to the matter of mind, then i can keep telling myself to be courageous and brace and have confidence. 

But when it comes to the matter of heart, im so scared. scared of people not wanting me anymore. especially the person i love. 

people might scold me and say that im not accepting the fact. or that i shouldn't be hoping from the jerk jinson. after him saying that he don't love me anymore. because feelings had fade over time. i wish this is just an obstacle of the relationship and not the end of the relationship. 

I really don't know how I can handle this thing if he really does not have me in his heart anymore. I feel really weak. like how when i was walking to his house yesterday to get the answers i want, i realise that i walk with a dragging feet. i realise that i walk without feeling any life in me. i realise that my heart aches like thousands and millions needle poking. i realise that this is the heartache of losing someone u love. although its not because the person pass away or what, this heartache still feels like the greatest pain of losing someone. 

once again, i wish i could tell jinson about this. but right now, he is tired and he is stress with his studies. i cant keep thinking like that and keep bothering him right. i don't want to become such a nonsense

So...

I cant take it any longer.

I went straight to him to his hse

To get my answer

I see him. He smiled. A stranger smile. He wants to hold my hands. But i thought that will hurt if he is saying we should be bestfriends. 

Idk what to think. All i could feel is the hurt. My heart aches so badly. Didnt know i can feel this ache again. The ache of losing someone. 

He dun love me anymore. Feelings fade. He's lost. He's confused. So am I. I said its his choice n he said its my choice. 

I said. I dont want his pity. I understand love might fade. I just wan a yes or no if he still loves. His answer is he dont know. He's not sure. Well that leaves me hurt. He held my hands, asking me how. I tried taking away my hand but he held on to it.

While i can be hurt n sad im still me. I dun stay angry over pple i love. I guess. I ended up giving in n i cheer up. 

I asked 'so do you want to break up with me'

He said no. He dun wan to breakup. He just needs the time. He said breakup because he dun wana leave me hanging.

I told him that no matter what, i will always love him. Am i silly or what? Well we all know i might be the silliest person ever?

I said that waiting is nothing to me. Because when i chose to love him, i mind nothing. I know his decision is either to go through this with me or to just break with me. I know that no matter what happen between us, we have this special affinity. Whether we stay couple or not maybe doesnt matter. But its impt to have friends that cherish u. Well i wish he wasnt just another bestfriend. I wish deep down that he still love me. Whats that hand holding, that kiss on my forehead n lips, whats that hug u held on so tight? I hope thats a way of u saying u dun wanna lose me forever.

 U can call me delusional or what. 

But its better that i've tried than not trying and regretting.

Thanks all my lovely friends. You know i love u all. And thanks for those thats there for me in any ways(: small little ways of encouragement means to me too(: 

To update

hi to all my lovely friends!

well, i guess i have to update to tell all of u what happen?

so the thing is, i can only show u what happen u know?

well, im really upset last night. because i seek advise from certain pple and they told me that the way jinson is talking to me is kind of like a breakup. abd all that he says is kind of bullshit.

the thing is, i chose to believe the opposite of what i know deep in my heart.

so thats the thing, although the facts are displayed there, i still cant believe it. i end up asking his 'bro'.

and what the bro said really hits me hard. you know the harsh reality.

so i was very upset. but im thankful for the people that are there for me and i know that i've got to stay strong. one of my friend told me that im taking it too hard on myself.

so then all i can say now is that he says that he have no more feelings for me.

thats all i can tell all of u now. maybe i will update u all when i see u. but im afraid it hurts to talk about it.

im still waiting for his answer. whats his final decision. im leaving it to him. because like what i've said, my heart will nvr change. cos love nvr stops u know.

idk what should i be wishing for really. asking myself deep in my heart? well all i can say is i really dunno. it just hurts

Silly

I guess im most probably the silliest person ever. Refer to my previous post. Im just that silly isnt it? I wish i can cry

I've decided

I've decided to stay happy.

Even if my relationship with Jinson don't last, I'll still love him. Because love is never finished. I've decided that even if both of us dont have a future together, he will still occupy a space in my heart. This will make me happy.

What will make me sad is when i have to dig someone out of my heart. That will hurt right. So i've decided to let pple stay in my heart(: 

Smile pple. Sometimes we can still love those thats not with us anymore. Cos love never dies.

Sweetheart by Sara Zarr

This is one of my favourite book with quotes that i love and even recorded in my diary when i was like 15yrs old. Here you go. I wonder if my relationship will end up like these quotes..

“I think about how there are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark. I don’t mean the usual faint impression: he was cute, she was nice, they made me laugh, I wish I’d known her better, I remember the time she threw up in class. And I don’t just mean that they change you. A lot of people can change you – the first kid who called you a name, the first teacher who said you were smart., the first person who crowned you best friend. It’s the change you remember, the firsts and what they meant, not really the people. Ethan changed me, for instance, but the longer we are apart the more he sort of recedes into the distance as a real person and in his place is a cardboard cutout that says first boyfriend. I’m talking about the ones who, for whatever reason are a part of you as your own soul. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. My mom was right about that. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless. If you had a lifetime to talk, there would still be things left unsaid.” 

― Sara Zarr, Sweethearts

“Can it really be love if we don't talk that much, don't see each other? Isn't love something that happens between people who spend time together and know each other's faults and take care of each other?...In the end, I decide that the mark we've left on each other is the color and shape of love.” 

“Because love, love is never finished. It circles and circles, the memories out of order and not always complete.” 

― Sara Zarr, Sweethearts

This last one is my favourite quote. Dont  you feel this is how love is? We will never stop loving a person. Because love is never finished.

176like

Hi PJ

Thanks for sharing it with me. I will tear for u. 

I guess sometimes life is just harsh.

Things we cant avoid is death. I know you will definitely feel miserable for this. And i guess u just have to start learning to cherish every moment u have with people u love. Sometimes life just hit so hard. Just don't end up having regrets for things that you didnt do. And maybe just pray hard. Rmb the LAW OF ATTRACTION? At this pt of time maybe it will help? 

Instil positive thinking to ur sister everyday? Maybe the cancer cells will just miraculously be gone? STAY STRONG lovely. RMB U HAVE TO BE HAPPY TO MAKE UR SIS HAPPY. Dun focus on the bad things. Live in the moment alright?

Loving someone

To love is not something easy.

Althought people says 'to hate someone, you can have many reasons. But to love, there is no reason'

To love and to get back the love is not easy.

How i imagine love.

I always imagine that love is when 

It feels right when holding hands

It feels right when sitting beside each other

It feels right when we hugs

It feels right when the lips touch

It feels right no matter what we are doing

It feels right no matter where we are

Love is when everything feels right together.

And to have this right feeling, it doesn't happen with anyone easily. 

There might be many out there that we can be with. But the right person doesn't comes by easily.

So who's the right person?

Hi again.

Hi there people.

1) I just wanna say how happy I am when I see my friend(s) updating their blog post from time to time. It's good to read I guess. And am just really happy sometimes when I can sense that my friends are leading their life well. anw I've just read one of my friend's blog. I guess things is all gonna change for her as she's going to university now. I hope that she will have fun and joyous days in University. Once again, it kept me thinking if I've thrown my chances away to go uni and study.

2) so recently I'm very bothered with the relationship that I'm in. Somehow, it's almost 1 wk plus since I really talked to him at all. we didn't quarrel or anything. Somehow, things just stops. and I have no idea why is that. Sometimes, I feel that I'm really going no where in this relationship. I feel kind of numb about my relationship. Is it better if I just say quit to this relationship? I really don't know. I don't feel the love from him anymore. It's not because we don't see each other being the reason. The reason is, I don't feel him showing me care concern or love anymore. Isn't this just a little bit too weird to be happening in a relationship? I really had no idea what I should feel anymore.

What's a relationship when most of the time I feel so alone?

is it me overthinking?
or is it me who didn't give enough love?

but no matter which is it, I seriously cant think now. cos it will just make me feel so unhappy.

3) Hi there! on a brighter note, let's talk about something else! Which is me going away for OSIP soon.
Somehow, I'm kind of excited and a little scared that I will miss everything that I have in Singapore. But I guess it will be fun to venture out of Singapore once in awhile. This is the life I dream myself going for. Great that I'm not going anywhere far. It the start of a new journey soon!

Love,
Zihui

somehow, i feel that this is just bothering me and not you. i feel like giving up on all these things. can I?