Lols. I'm like feeling so damn idk, sad? No? Not happy? No? Haix. Just I can only describe it with a Haix. But it's like idk who I can tell? Like I'm sry, I kno I can tell n ask advise from who. But I'm like super tired of it all already, idk what's my aunt saying. I just kno she's not happy. I'm sry. But I'm gonna say Idk what is she crapping to me when I'm eating. Well, I love my aunt. But den, idk why doesn't she understand y I'm working part time when sch reopen. U kno, seriously, it's life what. She say what are we(me & cuz) doing? Like work, come home, slp, work, come home, slp, off day go out, same old routine. What are we doin? Obviously working right? I totally dun understand what She wants, what she meant. Like lol. So off day stay home? Yea... N do what? Even if accompany aunt or enen is just like fly away time. Accompany is gd, but then I also have many things to do? Like help friend with o lvl, find granny, go out with friends I promised to? Den it's like even I stay at home, I'll just slack away my day, walk here n there in living room, tell my aunt some crappy things that she won't really listen to or whAt. Idk. Everytime I talks, it feels like she's not really listening. What's the use of me there??? Like huh???? Or if I stay home, in this situation, I'll just lie in my room on my bed, den she'll say the whole day dunno stay in the room for what. Seriously, idk what's the prob, Tats why I feel like saying Haix so much. N it's like hello? What's wrong with going out? It's not as if I go till dunno what?? Haix. Shes not happy. Somehow, it made me feel that it's time to leave. How I wish I could say bye to everyone n just disappear into thin air. Without feeling any guilts, etc. It's like my life is owed to so many pple. Idk who,actually I kno, but too much to be counted. Like Haix Haix Haix is the only way to describe. So it's like huh? No one really understands me. How I wish there's this person out there that'll know how I truy feel without me saying anything, & give me the answers I'm searching for, & save me from al these things. Seriously, I'm kinda really tired of life. But then who is Not? I'm like persevering my everyday, being a happy me. But somehow, when I really go & think so deeply, I know that somewhere , some part of myself isn't that normal. When I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy. But not everyone see that everyone has that part of ourselves being sad/ unhappy. I guess if I hide all these inside myself n not type it out, one day its gonna be true about me a crazy person.
Idk. U kno, pple say that pple becomes crazy as they dun wanna face the reality. I wonder what does a crazy person kno n not kno. I'm gonna study psychology. Someday..
Okok I dun think I'm gonna crap bout what I wanna do in life. But I kno there's plenty to do.
Haix. So I somehow feel the vibes of my answer appearing at my footstep. I dun wanna really make those decision. Life is so hurtful. If only I can split myself into many pieces & give them to pple impt in my life. The bits & pieces of life isn't good, but it's all worth it. Like how my sec sch life, there's so many prob between my friends. I lived through all those childish things that happened. But I nvr regret knowing all those friends. N I do love many of them. Also, I wont regret working off my holidays mostly in uniqlo & tiring myself out. Knowing all those friends there during this short period of time Is worth the while, even if I dun really kno them. Everythig is worth it. But den, I realise not everything is perfect in so many ways. I understood what it meant by no one is perfect now. Life is like that right? It's so hurtful when I kno that I might hurt pple. So hurtful to know I might take things in life for granted. So hurtful to kno I can't seem to solve them. So hurtful. Life uh. Idk seriously. I still have this long journey to go. Haix. Who is gonna be there, beside me, to bring me forward? U know, I feel like crying so much, I think I'm insane le. Hahas. I realise I think alot when I'm like alone. But pls dun like tell me dun think too much. Cos thinking is how my brain functions. Lol. Hahas.
Haiya. Sad): like Haix. So tmr how? Go out? Come back see a black face again???? I'm seriously sick of all these. Can u tell me what's wrong with going out? What's wrong seriously? What's like freaking wrong??? I'm already very gd u kno? I always go out, tell my aunt I'll be home before 8, n she already says it's damn late. I'm gd cos my cousin will like say she'll be home before midnight or 10? Like lol. So why not happy? I'm like 17 already, time to start planning n decide for my own life. But it's restricted with dunno what? I seriously dunno. I only live life once leh. N time waits for no one. Why can't I just do what I wanna do???????? I know somehow I sound ungrateful . But den, so what should I do? U dun talk to me, I dun talk to u. So let this be it? Idk seriously. I think I wanna cry my eyes off my face sia. Ok. I kno whoever reading this sure damnworried. Cos u'll be wondering what's happenig to the happy zihui? Ok. & u will ask if I'm Ok when u lovely friends see me. Idk how to tell u all, but it's just life I'll conclude. Cos many poles life is much worse than all these worrying stuff. & I'll be fine as ever wen u see me cos I would have found something positive to think of to be able to stand smiling in front of u. Understand? Haha. Pls oh pls dun worry.
Ok. So this stupid post is bout stupid going out n staying @ home thingy. Actually I've got manythings running through my mind. Just idk howto type them out cos after they run through my mind, it's as though I've typed. Tats why I'm like wondering who will be ever able to understand me without me even saying. Wanna cry. I miss my grandpa again. I wonder why. But it feels like he's the only one that understands me. I rmb when I was young, he is diagnose with dementia, which means he's gonna forget everything & die someday. I rmb I'll always accompany him there, watching tv, & him drinking his liquor . I rmb the day when he asked me what if one day he's gone. I rmb I feel damn scared of losing him, feel like crying right there & saying no he won't die. But I held back my tears & mumbled 'wont'... Felt like crying in that darkness. & my grandpa just hold my hand & tell me not to scared, say he'll be there, if anyone dare to scold me, he'll protect me. It's as if I dun need to say anything & he understands how I feel. That'd why I'm always crying when I rmb him. The fact that he's not there anymore. Not there for me anymore. )': & I dun even know if I'll ever meet him again in my life. But what I can only do is live my life, with the name he gave me. Going on happily, living everyday nicely..
So well, smile(:
Shit my eyes is swollen. How. Hahahhas. I can't slp like that or else someone will kno I cried. I didn't just tear.. I seriously idk, I think I just miss my grandpa. Haix. I dun even kno why am I born in this world. Im so not needed. Just something extra tat add burden to pple's life.
Okok. I shall not be so sad cos I'll scare pple, pple will worry. Okok pls dun worry k. Or else I shall close down my blog le. Hahahaha. Ok pls tell me how I settle my eyes. Hahaha. Oh no. Red???
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