so i went for the funeral today.
and i see the face in the photo. i seee the face and the body in the coffin.
i see my god dad. closing his eyes, no signs of life.
its a body with no life .
no more smiles
no more conversations
no more hello god dad
no more catching up
no more smiling to my god dad.
no more. nothing else .
there's nothing nothing nothing.
god dad is gone.
he's really really gone.
its the cruel reality
before i went and pray, my granny was behind me. she said 'rmb how much ur god dad doted on u?'
and i stood there, be brave and not let my tears flow out.
then i kept quiet. and i looked at the photo. and i made myself not to feel anything.
if i don't go and feel something , i will not cry.
then i took the joss stick
i pray, i looked at his face in the photo. i stare at it, and in my heart, as i pray, i said ' hello god dad, how are you, long time didnt see u^^'
then i put down the joss stick.
then they went into the place and see the coffin where his body was placed. the coffin is opened.
beneath the glass, its where his body lay.
i took a deep breath, and i went up to look at it. its him, my god dad. its him. i can see him((:
but then a moment ltr,i realised that he's dead. he's dead. he's nvr going to be able to talk to me, nvr able going to communicate with me at all. i didnt cry. i held on to my tears. trying not to cry.
my granny said, ' so unexpected, he is like living well and properly then suddenly, suddenly..'
she said in dialect..
i heard. it suddenly dawned on me he is really really gone. he's gone from us. but he is actually there a moment ago. but he's gone.... so suddenly. he's gone.
then we went out, sat at the table, and i cleared my tear away n sat there, trying not to cry. granny comforting my god mom. i sat there and stay to myself. then i hear their convo again.
granny says she still rmb how my god dad will take blanket, cover my properly while i sit the boat with them. how he will look after me so properly like im so precious and fragile. how he will bring me go eat at restaurants once in awhile. how he'll dote on me so much. how much he loved me as his god daughter.
im indeed fortunate, to have him as my god daddy. he's a good man.
they mentioned how he will always treat everyone very well.
eugene korkor said he will always ask god dad why is he so kind, why he treat pple so nice, pple will just take him for granted or take advantage of him. and my god dad will say this which i loves. god dad will say, it's okay, so long as he is happy, do not need to go and think if pple take advantage of him or not.. he is doing all the things which he feels happy doing, even if he don't get back what he provides for others. so long as he didnt do anything wrong, he is happy with helping pple even if pple take advantage of him. do what he's happy with.
then they start to say about how its really shocking again.
like how if it's really times up for a person, they will just go, we must let it go. its all fated.
i rmb how there's so many yrs that i lost contact with them, and just this year, got in touch again. they were really happy. eugene korkor said when they found out where they can find me, the whole family just prepares and come out all the way to ion uniqlo to find me. they have no idea how i look as its been really long time ago since they last saw me, they looked everywhere and anyone could be me. they were really ecstatic when they saw me. i can see it by myself on the day when i finally saw them again. i feel kind of awkward as it's been really long. now, i can see how they are still the same.. the amt of love there is like forever there. im forever the god daughter that they dotes on..
many many months pass, n its really sad how i nvr even take my initiative to meet up to eat with somebody that i will never ever get to see again. my heart breaks to know that..
should i say bye to god dad?
but this isnt even a proper goodbye.
i will never ever get this chance to see him again.
all im left with is the notebk he gave me back when i was in kindergarden, and the photo that i kind of destroyed due to playfulness. all i have now is memory in those photo, memories in my head.
im really really tired. im not physically tired. im mentally tired. although these few days i havent been thinking about all these sad stuff, and i've been living in those blissfull moments with dear jinson, i know that deep down in my head, im tired cos im mentally tired. im sad, i pushed it away. i dont want to be sad. no one will. i just numb myself, and carry on in my life. i just carry on in life as if it's any other day
i went pass day by day since i heard the news, and pretend that nothing had actually happened.
now, since its dug out, i shall blog.
but i am really tired.
im tired.. i wonder to myself how easy it is to see a dead person that u r related to, closing his eyes there and he's gone.. im really sad... tired... but i know, after i close my eyes, i will open it ltr. cos im resting....
life is really short. life is really unpredictable.
i guess i've forgotten about that.
and my 2012 resolution will be to cherish everyone around me.
i shall not speak to my elderly in a rude tone as i will never want to regret
and i will cherish those that i love .. i must not forget to cherish. i must appreciate...
i know that its never easy to make it into action, but its always easy to say.
this repetition of not cherishing and appreciating, and regretting it all kept happening. i feel so heart broken to imagine those that i love to be gone from me one day. i cannot take this shit. but this is life i know. its sad. but its a choice. being sad is a choice. being happy is a choice. just make the choice and live with it zihui. just make the right one and dun regret.
smile.............
