害群之马... what i feel i will be..

well, i've forgotten whether i've talked about this here before. but i guess somewhere long ago, i did talk about this before. after so long, this feeling of it still never get away. i guess this really goes to show there's something wrong about my choice.

i feel so sad on the ride home today. i feel like i really really been so stupid all these while.

i wonder why did i tell myself not to give up and just keep going SWIMMING.

i feel like a fool everytime i swim. i feel as if im a fool as i've been swimming the WRONG way??? like idk. the way i swim seems to be so wrong. n i feel that im nvr right. i feel like a fool. why do i keep trying like a fool when i seems to be getting it wrong all these while? why am i being a fool continuously? why? why do i feel like a fool n tell myself to just do it?

i got no idea why):

and everytime i think about swimming, i feel kind of demoralised. i feel that in the first place, i never should had gone there. but yet again, of cos there's factors that i don't regret like i learn some new things & i met my dearest jinson.

but again, its still the same about swimming.

idk what's life have in place for me to make me have the will not to quit swimming till now, or even in the future.

and yea i did learn quite some things till now. but i just feel like its so wrong to keep swimming n swimming n swimming when all i feel that i am is like a fool. its like seeing a clown swim. its funny. i feel that im just like the clown swimming u know. i always swim outside, n i look at how people swim, and i will feel like so weird to see pple swim in a certain way. n i feel like when i swim, its just how it will look like when its wrong. i feel like a fool.

i
feel
like
a
fool
.

yes.

swimming is the very place where my confidence level in tp drops by alot.
cos i feels like an idiot swimming. no kidding.

somehow, everything is telling me that i cant do this shit.
i feel like swimming in sch, there must be an aim in the head, to want to achieve something.
i dont have a aim in my head.
i just want to swim cos i love swimming.
joining tpls made me feel scared of going swimming.
but i love swimming.
i want to swim.
but i cant do it
i feel like a fool
i feel like idk what is the right choice to make here
sometimes, the thought of quitting swimming seems like going to fall off the edge of my head.
but then, i will hold on tight n just keep going on & on & on.
i dont have the passion of swimming like how i had back when i was learning swimming.
i lost it.
cos i feel like a fool
i hope one day, i could just swim again endlessly and feel the passion i had like how i did last time.
now im just so afraid of the water.
i feel like i can drown.

dear lovely friends,
can you tell me how? tell me what's the problem here? tell me whether am i really going on for nothing?
idk. i got no idea what i've been doing, and its not right to feel like i should quit. tell me what will be right?

love zihui(:
smile always