I shouldnt do this to myself

I know maybe i should let go. But right now, im still fighting for this love so hard. Its like one sided love now. I wish I could stop doing this to myself. I know Im really silly, to let someone else affect me so much. But I really do love him. He will always be this someone special in my eyes. The bad the goods, they are all just special to me. I took time to embrace this love. And now I need time to embrace this break up. It wasn't exactly said as a breakup. It is just a decision made. A decision made to continue his life without me in it. It's so difficult. I want to wait. Wait and go into the future. I don't know what I will be anticipating in this future. But I just hope this right one will be back to me someday. Just like how my turtle likes wondering out and be away, but will come back to me if its really mine. I wish he will have fate with me like how my turtle did.

I know I need to put him aside, embrace the memories, and strive on with my life without him in it. But I couldn't just do that. The least I could is to write to him and continue to love him.

Its officially one sided kind of love now. But love will never die. It circle the memories round and round and out of order. I guess love would only die the day I die. I know I shouldnt be so weak, so pathetic. But the least I could is love him silently. Send him letters that he doesnt deserve. But maybe those letters he will throw or not even read with any feelings with it. 

I need to write. i need to. Maybe writing will help me heal. Maybe it wont. But every single day, I will write. I will write dear jinson, its as if Im talking to him but I wont get rejected. I don't know if I would pass him those letters. But I will I guess. I want to do things that I wont regret. 

I will be there for him even if he doesnt needs me. Even if he isnt here for me. This thing hurts like shit. I need to grow up and learn to handle it. Time please heal me. I dont wanna be someone mental about it all.. I dont want to go around feeling like Im mopping my days away. I want to be happy. I want to smile genuinely. I want to be myself and love this world and do things i wanna do. 

I wish Im not torturing myself in those silly ways like writing a letter or hoping. Hoping is scary. But I will hold on to every tiny piece of hope that I can grab hold of. The days are chilly and cold. I shivers and wish that he would be here to give me warm and love. I know he wont be here. I gotta not depend on him. It hurts. Its cold. But my heart still beats fast and is filled with so much love. So much that wouldn't get froze by the cold. The heart is strong. The heart filled with love will give me warm. 

I had to learn to love myself more. But I wouldnt let go of the love for him. People all changes in life. But one thing is zihui will never really change. I will be there for anyone that needs me. Never would forget anyone in my life. Even my kindergarden best friends, will live forever in my heart. I never knew where those people are right now, but I will mark the memories down. 

We all wish that sometimes there is a way to just delete the memories and feelings we had. But would you really do it if there was such a machine? 

Love,

Z