Heartaches

im scared. im really scared of losing. im trying my best to love without fear. but the fear keep creeping back to my heart. the fear of jinson waking up and realising that he don't love me anymore after the time i've given him. i wish he would wake up and realise that he still love me like how he does in the start of the relationship. im really afraid. so afraid of what might be the result. i wish i wont be afraid. i wish i was stronger. but i guess when it comes to the matter of heart, im always weak. only when it comes to the matter of mind, then i can keep telling myself to be courageous and brace and have confidence. 

But when it comes to the matter of heart, im so scared. scared of people not wanting me anymore. especially the person i love. 

people might scold me and say that im not accepting the fact. or that i shouldn't be hoping from the jerk jinson. after him saying that he don't love me anymore. because feelings had fade over time. i wish this is just an obstacle of the relationship and not the end of the relationship. 

I really don't know how I can handle this thing if he really does not have me in his heart anymore. I feel really weak. like how when i was walking to his house yesterday to get the answers i want, i realise that i walk with a dragging feet. i realise that i walk without feeling any life in me. i realise that my heart aches like thousands and millions needle poking. i realise that this is the heartache of losing someone u love. although its not because the person pass away or what, this heartache still feels like the greatest pain of losing someone. 

once again, i wish i could tell jinson about this. but right now, he is tired and he is stress with his studies. i cant keep thinking like that and keep bothering him right. i don't want to become such a nonsense