Somedays the motivation got lost.
Somedays I feel energetic.
Somedays the restless feeling swallows the whole of myself.
Somedays I feel like I am so happy.
Somedays, I feel like sadness creep in back to me and I float back to those memories of hurt.
Scared. Im afraid of loving. Afraid of any single thought of trying. Things will never be the same anymore. I wont be. I could stay happy and move on with my life. I know I could do that. I work everyday, letting my days slip by unknowingly. Maybe it was fate that Im working just so much during this time.
In January, I bid farewell to Langkawi and came back to Singapore with a heavy heart to face that guy who isnt worth my heart & love. Through the end of January, through chinese new yr, through the research paper, I couldnt concentrate at all. I lived in denial thinking that he'll still love me someday in the future. Then I fell into mini depressive self whom couldnt feel motivation with life. I wanted to sleep all day those days. I walked to school feeling like a crumpled piece of paper. Or rather a torn paper. Tears emerge at the corner of my eyes, but its not allowed to flow.
In my heart, I wanted to glow with HAPPINESS that once glowed naturally but I fell deep into that hole so dark. I felt shameless of myself, that I even beg him to look into his heart to give us one more chance, only to face rejection that hurt so deeply. Thats how January 2014 ended.
Then comes February 2014 which seem so difficult for me to welcome. The world which I must wake up to and know that things had changed, and the man whom I love has never been there. Just vanished into thin air like I've never met him. People around me, friends thats been there since long time ago, tried pulling me up & tell me I'll find someone way better than this one guy I thought was my true love. Those times I wonder how am I gonna continue my journey now without him in my plans. I wrote letters to him every single day without fail. From letters, it became emailing him, knowing that I wouldnt face rejection everyday by writing and typing. The letters never sent, & the emails sent but never once gotten a reply.
Soon, I start growing tired of the self that held onto the hope that he'll ever be back to my life or ever reply any of my emails to him or even being a friend to me. I couldnt help myself at all... But I know Im recovering slowly. Then in the mids of Feb, I started chatting with this friend from my primary school. Conversation lasted for a month or so, then we realized that we're having a friendship that we couldnt even decipher the meaning of it. This friend brought me away from that self that thinks about the person now called the EX. I stop writing to my ex, stop emailing to ex. Because since I started chatting with this friend, I didnt have the time to type to ex but only had the time to type to this friend. Conversations lasted day after days, it was comfortable convos because he wasnt like the other guy friends that makes me feel pressurize talking to.
But this friendship couldnt last long. This friendship faded away along with the time. No goodbyes, no ending, just silent fading of a person. From a stranger, to a friend, and unknowingly faded back to a stranger that somehow I seem to know but no longer know. At this point of time, it was mids of March. I started working back at the club. Few weeks into working, that friendship disappears. And off I am drown in the busy work every single day.
Nice friendship was gone in the middle of march, I started a vicious cycle of working, and then bad things happened.
I was broken during this period of time going through another change in my life. A change that I couldnt control. I was devastated, and I couldn't control that sadness. I couldnt even work, and I had no one to tell to about this matter, because I know I wouldnt be able to even start explaining about my situation. I just shifted house, but even before I got that chance to unpack my things, I had to start packing up and shift away.
I was like a person on the run. And Im serious about this. Not even joking.
I shifted elsewhere. Never gonna return anytime soon back to that place. Throughout April, I shifted, I picked up myself, start moving forward & think about what's next. Afterall I was still fortunate because I had everyone that doted on me. I continued working, & then through May, still working. May was an eventful tiring month. The month of my birthday, where I realize that as time pass by, I dont get much wishes anymore. Those that wished me just meant so much more on my birthday. And presents are almost like none and the card that was done for me, I was touched to receive it.
Now its June, its time I start living it a little healthier, back to exercising and lesser work. Healthier body means healthier mind. Ya that shall be my goal(: strive towards happiness for now.
I thought that I was over jinson, to me, I'll never wanna cross path with him anymore, not even being friends. I could accept him being gone that he even has got himself a new gf for quite awhile already. I thought Im perfectly fine. But one day when dropping off at that busstop near his house, my heart felt like fainting. I thought I saw him at the busstop, waiting for his gf. That familiar scene where he use to wait for me. I felt wobbly all over my body. And at there, right there, I knew that it's not possible to get it all over this fast. It'll be a real nightmare if I ever bump into him and his current gf. I would stood there frozen not knowing what to do. Its a scar to me. A scar that'll never heal and look beautiful anymore. And right there I hated that I allowed him to hurt me this deeply, that I let him into my heart so wholely.
Love,
Z
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