lol. i know my title sounds so emo, but anw, so sad. like idk. those so sad till i wanna cry but i didnt. its like im hanging on hanging there, trying so much not to cry. how i wish i've got someone to talk to that'll make me feel better. make me feel that i've not disappointed anyone. but the fact is that i know i.ve made people worrry bout me. just looking at their disappointing face makes my whole day turn bad. idk, whats right in this world? what will really make me happy? pleasing pple??? i use to try making everyone happy by doing what will make them happy. but then, i realise that people always ask for more. and somehow, im very tired of making people happy. when they are happy, im happy. but when they are not satisfied, n became not so happy, im tired, im unhappy. im not living my own life. i rmb last time, the incident with cihui n my friends.. she dont like hanging ard with my bestfriends, so when im good with her, theres this missing hanging out with my bestfriend thing. so well, i end up making cihui unhappy cos pple say i shouldnt try to pls her n neglect my friends . oh well. so this is the friend case
another case is something that i had yet to figure out. my family. u know, they always nag this nag that. everyday dig something out to say, nag at us, scold us . i kno its meant to be for our goods. but seriously, we r the one that kena those things that we kena frm them u kno, being the biggest of all 'kids' in the family. im telling u, its like my smaller cousins will be experiencing things that's somewhat like found so called nxt era. now we get scolded for this and that, im sure when it comes to them at our age doing what we do to get scolded, they wont get scolded. things are just so unfair. u know, unfair. we kena the most things. we got beated by cane, broom,rubber band, when we're naughty, we gets to kneel on those beeer cap infront of the buddha, when we quarrel, we got sealed by masking tapes...etc. but for those younger cuz, they got nothing like this. at most only ruler beat their hand or cane only.. see we used to complain that they are more fortunate than us. but some say being beaten the most meant that they love us the most. hahas.
i really dunno what to do. im kinda messed up in my own thoughts. i know, some might say i think too much. but how can i not think? when i dun think bout anything, it seems that im neglecting everyone that cares for me... i starts to think alot since pri3, when im brought to the reality of my life. i suddenly realise that nothing is ever tha simple and same when i turn pri3. i start to care bout pple's feeling bout me when i turn p3. last time, i use to tolerate bout everything. when im bullied by my cuz in kindergarden, i'll fight back, and when she bully me, my grandpa is there to protect me from being harm. i love that man, my grandpa.when i go p1,and move to my cuz house, i started to listen to ppl, be obedient cos im staying at someone else house. when my cuz bully me, i wont fight back cos i've got no one to protect me.. so i rmb those times when i used to tolerate with all my cuz nuisance. and im over that period of time when i started getting irritated when she takes advantages of my tolerance. i slowly talk back to her, shooting back her due to her nuisance act. and i realise that when i does things right, my aunt will always support me. my small aunt is like my mother. she takes care of everything bout me. the only thing is just thst dhe is stubbornw ith her thinking and she is definitely very strict. but she doesnt realise we teaangers haveour own thinking too. and well, haix. even third aunt treats me like her own child too. i rmb them bringing me to eat meals n stuff. they're pple that i cared about and would nvr wanna leave. just too bad im not their child. all my aunts are like my mom... haix. i wonder what will it be like if things are different. if things wasnt this way, would i be thinking so much?? will i be who i am now?? obviously not i guess... its just terrible if i wanna think it that way. but i do know that i can trn everything positive ad be the happy girl that i used to be in 2010. idk, it seemed that so far , my 2011, i've always been thinking like a pessimist. and i hate this part of me. but i kno that this is the time when i show this other side of me alot. and if anyone do read this, they might suddenly realise that im such a negative person. i wonder what will pple that always thought im so happy, reads this, think bout me. will they look at me under a different light? hahas(:
haix. i do realise that when im sad, it reminds me bout certain pple. when im sad, i'll rmb grandpa, and realise that he isnt there to make me feel better. and that makes me feel like crying but i dun even know why as usual. just wth is wrong with me?
haix. i hax but i dun really haix cos i just wanna type haix
so well, smile:D i say smile n i do really smile. anw, anyone understands the shit im talking bout?? yea, its zihuis crap huh(: just what i feels(:
oh god. 4hr slp n have to wake for work)))): chocolate!!!!!! i need u to make me happy!!! im gonna buy chocolate tmr to eat eat eat!
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