those depressing thoughts

anyway, i dunno why, but i just feel like i should blog. so that i can blog away my frustrating thoughts.
for the whole of last week, i have been thinking nonsense. somehow, i feel that jinson will not be able to tolerate my nonsense soon. i just feel so... u know? idk how i feel also. i just dun feel nice. i think im to busybody. i always likes to know everything. i guess i got to be not so busybody about jinson. cos he also wont tell me everything like naturally. only me, only i will like auto say what im doing n where i am and stuff. sometimes, i just feel that everything in this world isnt so nice. sometimes i wished that i wasn't born in one situation or the other.

of cos i know there's alot people that care for me and loves me. so well, please pardon my thoughts if u guys love me. hahaa. i think im someone that thinks alot. sometimes this thinking too much is just very inevitable. so after a few days of silly thoughts about jinson, i decided that i would not be bothered with who he talk or chat with, or who he text. its alright if he wanna tell me about those things or not. from now on im just not gonna be bothered with all those stuff. cos the more im bothered with it, the more i will not feel happy. even if i wanna be bothered with it, nothing will do me good cos those unimportant stuff is not something that jinson will talk about. its like how he oso wont be bothered with who text me. i guess he have his freedom to text whichever guy or girl he wants as long as i have my freedom too right?(:

so well, now im happy i just feel so much better when i decided not to care. and i realise one thing about myself. in the past, i dun care about alot of stuff. so im always happy cos not caring kind of makes me feel so much better than caring. caring hurts. but when i dont care, i suddenly feel like im in my own world again. nothing seems to be important to me anymore. somehow i just wish that i will quickly walk pass this life of mind and go on to somewhere else which idk where.

today, i went to watch skyfall for free. second aunt n uncle invited me n jinson to watch. while we are on the way there via train, we are talking bout some stuff. one of it is like u kno nxt time if we get married, then like stay where n stuff like that? somehow i feel very gloomy whenever jinson say bout how daughter who got married is like water that is splashed out. i mean this is the 20th century is it??? for me, i kno that if get married must treat my spouse parents like my own n look after them n stuff. but that doesnt mean i dun have my own parents to look after. i think if a daughter is married out and mean no need care bout her own family so much, i think that is a very selfish thing. for me, i will not be able to do that.

in my context, i feel that getting married is just being able to live n learning to live with the person tat i love. but that doesnt mean to forget those that raise me up and stuff. i will nvr be that selfish. to me, i feel that i owe my life to many pple. even when my stepmom did the minimum she can do for me, i will still feel grateful for what is given to me. much less those that really helped me alot. firstly, the reason that im having this life im having now is because my father got my custody. right?? n how they got it is because of my big aunt's help. lawsuit and everything u know? i will forever be grateful to all of my aunts. there is just too much example to give. so the above is one example.

anw although some of my aunts have kids to look after them, thats their problem. because sincerity only can come from the person itself. doesnt mean they have kids i cant care for them or visit them or be nice to them in the future when i get married or what right? haix. sometimes life is just too complicated..

i guess i will see how everything goes then? sometimes i just cant help but feel sad when nobody understands what i say or what i wan to do. i know there's so many things that i can be happy about. just... u know?

anyways, smilesmile. i hope i will smile everyday. n be like what im like in the past. i wish i could go back to those times when things are so much more simplier than now. but i guess everyone has to grow up right?

sometimes i feel that i do not have to grow up because im starting to feel that growing up doesnt make me any happier than when im young. sometimes i wish my grandpa will be here to listen to how i feel. because he is the closest person that will listen to me and not bring me down with my thoughts(: