happy fathers day!

hello everyone! happy fathers day! this is my lovely grandfather <3

Recently, Jinson's grandpa just pass away. 

Funerals are always sad.

it made me think about my grandpa when he pass away.

I was primary 5 back then. and i rmb how i felt way back then, and the many things that happened within those periods. i rmb even before anything happened, my grandma says that grandpa is going to pass away soon cos she feels it. then my grandma started calling many friends of theirs and all the relatives to visit him. my granny also made those food that my grandpa loves for him to eat. while all these things were happening, i recall myself going to toilet to cry secretly. i rmb my cuz min and ying were so scared tat anything will happen. we looked at each other in some very scared feelings. and i told them go toilet n cry ba. hahaaa. because toilet have the water pipe being built there so that we can wash our face n no one will know that we are crying.

i rmb that my granny is very calm. she just keep telling my grandpa is ok, he can leave peacefully. and i rmb i dun dare to step into that room because i know that when i see my grandpa i will cry. cos i always rmb that my grandpa still rmb me even with dementia. i just cant help it. i rmb those days, i keep going to toilet to cry. n i will go back in there without crying thinking that my grandpa will not be dying. 

i still rmb how we stood there and wait for my grandpa to breathe his last breath. and in my heart, i keep on praying that he wont leave. and i rmb my fourth aunt didn't get to see him for the last time before he go off. that is very sad. we cried and then so hard that the adults say dun cry. cos its good that my grandpa can finally leave all this pain behind and not suffer anymore. to my granny, it is her relieve, as she's been in this suffering for 7 years already. but i admire how strong my granny can be as that is her husband that had passed away.

i rmb how we chant the music by his bed all the while when he died. i see him cough his last breath too. but i kept thinking that is not his last breath, and that he will come back to life. but he nvr came back. i rmb we just keep tearing till midnight when we were told to sleep. all of us sleep in the living room. and the room were my grandpa died was left empty with the music playing. all of us is tired. and i just want to escape the reality. so i slp in tears. but xiuying cannot sleep. i always rmb how all of us went to slp and she went into the room and continue chanting for my grandfather when she is so young. i guess back then, she was primary 1.

then in the morning, people came and they changed the 袈裟(a kind of wear that buddhist wear when they pass on in life), and then they brought him down to the coffin.

i rmb how i always imagine that he nvr die, and will come back to life, but the other part of myself tell me that the reality is that he is really gone. so i sat by his coffin and continue to chant for him during those days of funeral. i cry till i feel my eyes is so sore that i tell myself not to think about anything and don't cry anymore. so i dont cry the whole while. until when there is monk chanting and im thinking bout him, and when he is being push in for cremation. i will always rmb the scene where all relatives and my grandpa's god children came for it, and we all cried. they say not to cry, but no one can help it when it got push in. this time round, he is really really gone. like   g  o  n  e  . . . .

and on the 7th day when a person had past away, its believed that they will come back to check on his house. like come back worrying if his family have food and stuff. so my fourth aunts family came over and sleep that night. the rice of the house is filled up to the brim and not touch as they say he will come back to check before he finally leave. for me, i kept wishing to see him, but i was afraid too. i think my granny waited for him to be back. but i was too tired. only xiuying dreamt of him. and indeed, they go and see the rice, and there is a hand print distinctly on it. they already make it smooth the previous night, and he really came back. i forgot what other things they put.. hahaa. but i've nvr dreamt of my grandpa before.

anw, i wish my grandpa a very happy father's day wherever he is now. i still rmb way back in primary sch, during a father's day, i made a three level paper cupboard for my grandpa to put his things. i rmb its pink in colour. and it was kept for quite awhile till he past away. i still rmb that cupboard and the thought behind that. haix...

so this is my father's day post. anw im skipping work today. its like 3plus now and i havent even finish my stuff. so i guess i shall skip work and forget bout the extra $50 to earn. hahaa. i think health and school is more important than my current work which will keep me tired. so yea. anw i will do my best to finish my project. ehehee. btw i bought my papa a linen shirt for father's day(:

bye peeps(: