holiday job

anw, just some updates,
this holdiay, finding a job is impossible cos nowhere wan to hire us.
stupid shit.
nvr imagine myself to walk around and fill up forms in so many diff freaking stores.
its just unbelieveable.

anw, which means that i will be pretty free during my holiday to do basically ENJOY HOLIDAY STUFF
heheee

and also idk, somehow get help my doe a DEER(JKJK), to train up my fitness level

so let me give u an overview on my horrible horrible deadly feel after swimming yesterday.
so yesterday is officially the first lesson of BM(bronze medallion?)..
and suppose to swim 8 laps within 11min.
but i swam within 12min15 sec, suppose to do 75 push up and the teacher was lenient enough to let me off(:
Edward(the teacher) ask my fellow bm friends to help me push up, and each of them offered to take 10push ups, so left with 15 for me. omg but i was really so tired that i feel like collapsing right straight into the water back n just die. hahaa. oh! not forgetting(: of cos...
my DEER Jinson<3 is so worried for me, and he say he help me do all the 75 push up, thats why Edward cher let me off. HEHEEEEE IM SAVED......
but i just feel so damn freaking out of energy that i didnt care much and just lie on the floor.
so lucky to have my deer cos he made sure im safely covered in towel and have water to drink(:

oh and nxt up must swim one lap n tow someone back within 3min15sec.
oh well i died on this too cos i practically feel i can kick like no energyly n stay at the same spot. omg. im still so scared of the water. its drowning me.

anw, then again, i feel so demoralised with everything after 1yr in poly.
sem 1, i work, swim abit, study, and everything failed. this sem, i only study and swim abit, but its all failing too.
life outside sec sch is really diff, i kno how my lovely friends actually felt when they mentioned about things and feels discouraged about it. i miss this sec sch days where everyone ard me and myself is dying to think positive about everything,and always encourage one another even though we all kno the chances are very slim. hahaa.

poly is drenching energy out of me, i dont even know where im going, dont know anymore what im capable of doing.
now i only feel that even if i want to believe so much in myself, at the back of my mind, i would think that im silly and i cant do it. cos there's just so much evidence of my failure in doing things...

haix. sometimes when i think about all these, its just makes me feel like giving up.
this will make me cry cos idk when had i became so weak that im having the giving up feel at the back of my mind. its so sad cos idk who i am anymore.

conclusion: me still dunno who myself is and will be.):

heehehee. anw, lets put that aside, i hope everything goes well for everyone now(:
and haha!!! todayyyyyyy is achyyyy body day. omg....